Welcome to The Boldness Code and tonight we're talking about bold sexuality.
Our guest teacher, specialist, tantric master is my friend,. Lawrence Lanoff.
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Welcome to The Boldness Code and tonight we're talking about bold sexuality. Our guest teacher, specialist, tantric master is my friend, Lawrence Lanoff. Welcome, Lawrence! Thank you, Adam. Thank you. It's great to be here. I'm really excited. Yeah. I am, too. I've got to tell you, guys, I've known Lawrence for seven years or so. I started an online tantric community for all the various tantra teachers and people interested in tantra years ago and honestly, a lot of them were flakes. Lawrence really stood out as someone who has some extraordinary knowledge and integrity, humor, humility, and just knows his shit. So I asked him to join the Boldness Code to talk about sexuality not only when you meet women, but how to be with women. Lawrence, can you just give us a quick -‐-‐ I know you could probably give us a 20-‐minute background because you've done a lot of stuff in your life. Talk to us about how you became a specialist in this area. Okay. Well, I'll give you the short skinny there. The essence of it is that I grew up in New York City and I grew up at a time where there was a lot going on. I grew up in the West Village, and my mother actually had a tantric experience that changed her life. Prior to that, it was just kind of like, "Oh, you know, men, whatever." Honestly, she would complain a lot. And then she had this experience and when she emerged out of the experience, she pointed at me and she said, "You [0:02:19] [Indiscernible] with him," meaning this crazy tantra master who was raised in the jungles of South America. That guy I ended up studying with and that began this path of deep, deep, deep exploration. Yeah. What happened? This is great. I've never heard about your mother or anything. Basically, what happened is he just said to me, "Look, you as a young man, you need to study these things. You need to understand them. You need to study them. You need to learn how to control your orgasm. You need to learn how to control your sexual energy. And when you do, that 1
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mastery will be so powerful and empowering, it's going to change every area of your life." So he said, "Just start learning." Well, I did. I really took that to heart and I spent honestly probably the next 20 years studying deeply. I studied from everybody, from Osho. I went to all kinds of different meditation groups. I went into experiential groups. Really, I was like I want to learn and I read every book I could possible read, and then I just practiced. It's kind of like that's how I ride. Pretty much everything that I study and teach, this is all stuff that I am sharing from experience. Sorry. I muted myself there for a second. So not everybody knows what tantra is. Can you give just a real quick overview of what you mean by that? Okay. Tantra in a nutshell, there's a sort of traditional sense of what tantra is and then there's kind of what I really teach. The traditional sense of tantra has to do with -‐-‐ basically, it has to do with being a part of life and also learning how to participate in life and have that be your spiritual path, if you will. So in its pure form, tantra, the way its practiced is spiritual practice, but then Western tantra came along and said, okay, we're going to utilize sensual pleasure and awareness to cultivate deep states of cosmic bliss and connect ourselves to the infinite nature of life.
That is really where I came in. I've studied traditional tantra, white tantra, different sects of tantra, but where it comes into the west, it starts to get married to learning how to cultivate and work with sexual energy. When you say "cultivate sexual energy", it's more than just holding back your orgasm. There's a whole -‐-‐ Right. Like a column of energy through your body. Can you just give like five quick -‐-‐ I know it's embedded in the whole practice. What are five practical things that guys can do to enhance their sexuality, tantra techniques? Just quick and then we'll get into some other stuff as long as we're there. Sure. Absolutely. Basic tantra technique number one -‐-‐ and honestly, the cool thing is these crazy people who were sitting in caves coming up with this stuff, it's pretty sensible stuff. So number one, if you want to improve 2
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your sex life, start learning how to breathe. It is amazing. This is true. I see this all the time like if I'm going to start with somebody at square one, I'm like first things first -‐-‐ breathe. Are you breathing? And as silly as it sounds, most people get in bed and they stop breathing. They just freeze up right away. They're just like, "What? What, breath?" No, silence. So number one, learn how to breathe. Now, there are various breathing techniques. The main thing, if you really want to do something to improve your pleasure and your sex life, is start to learn -‐-‐ and you can just Google -‐-‐ diaphragmatic breathing. Learn how to breathe from your belly and use your whole body. That would be technique number one. Technique number two is honestly, silence is deadly, so stay away from silence. You need to add music or you add -‐-‐ well, let's just deal with the environment "stay away from silence". Have music. Have things going on because if you really think about it, when you get silent, which most people have linked with pleasure in our culture, we link silence and pleasure together. It's like, "Oh my God. We're naked. We're in bed. Be quiet." I think on some level, there's this sense that -‐-‐ there's this very humorous sense that if I speak, somehow I'm going to mess up the moment. By the way, of course I've had that happen, but I'm talking about creating kind of an environment where it has a feel to it, so whether that's -‐-‐ I like music to go along with it, kind of a soundtrack to whatever sexual experience I'm having. So number two, music. Number three, vocalize. Learn to express your pleasure because it's common women are more comfortable singing their music of pleasure, but men are not. And yet, the paradox is that if you're really quiet and you're holding back your voice, then the women can be kind of self-‐ conscious and also starts to hold back her voice, and those two things are kind of -‐-‐ that's not really the direction you want to go, so number three, use your voice. I might be feeling good and I might -‐-‐ if you ever have dinner with me, which Adam has, I'll be eating something and I'll be like, "Oh man, that's so good!" I like to vocalize and express, and so that's part of improving your sex life, simply by just vocalizing. Yeah, and not just during sex. No, exactly, just in life. Go ahead. 3
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I was just going to say that foreplay is 24 hours a day. I consider all activities foreplay. I would actually do a thing called the 24-‐hour foreplay, but people were like, "Oh, guys don’t want to hear that. It sounds like too much work," but for me, it's the joy. It's how to delight your woman and keep yourself delighted in a sensual state as much as possible. Years ago, I discovered it when I learned -‐-‐ and we're guys, so it has no particular impact -‐-‐ but just a low, throaty growl over the phone or at dinner, women go nuts. There's some very primal effect. So it's not just making sounds and making similar sounds, almost animalistic sounds of aggression in a sense or joy or sensual bliss. Just male sounds really affect women.
Yeah. That is totally true. It's such a big deal honestly for them to be able to hear you and feel that. Do you know what I mean? It's intense. I love the growl, by the way. Yeah. It's very effective, guys, to having to use the -‐-‐ it's primal. Yeah. The interesting thing about the -‐-‐ just revolving around the growl because there's a kind of vocalization and I don’t know what that is, but I have seen it over and over again. If you want to do something just really cool tonight like just a little sweet tip for the guys, if you were with your lover and you just put your mouth like open your mouth and kind of put it on her jugular vein or her throat and you just kind of make that growling sound, it's like such a turn-‐on. It's crazy. It's like we do have to bring the primal element, and that would be my next statement actually. My next tip would be bring primal back into the bedroom, that feeling of kind of animalistic, raw, willing to just be yourself sexually and feel your sexual power and rawness, and be able to go share that. I think we need to bring that back into the bedroom. Finally, my last technique that you can use today is just freaking own your power. Own your power. And what I'm really excited about this call is that's kind of what we're talking about here. Own your authentic power. I know we're among adults here, so I can say this. Own the power of your cock. Own it and bring that to the bedroom. Bring that with you.
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These are some basic things that I like to talk about and share and of course explore in great depth because it's amazing how back we can get in our life. What does that mean though? You get me practical, telling people what to do. So what do you mean "own the power of your cock"? There are [0:12:50] [Indiscernible] ways you can do that. What specifically do you mean? Okay. Well, number one is -‐-‐ and I'm glad you asked that. So number one would be owning the power of your cock. To me, what this means is that I acknowledge my sexual desire. And so, a lot of us -‐-‐ we're guys. We get trained. You self-‐pleasure really quickly. You kind of get it -‐-‐ no pun intended -‐-‐ you try to get in and out. You contain yourself. So owning your cock means, "Yes, I am a man. Yes, I am attracted to you and yes, I am okay with that." Yeah, nothing is [0:13:36] [Indiscernible] at all. Do you know what I mean? Exactly. Put the shame out because -‐-‐ you know, a lot of times, we're just ashamed and we've been trained -‐-‐ you know, women are like, "Eww!" Sometimes they're these -‐-‐ I'm going to call them sort of sexual myths that are out there that really encourage us to disown our power. The reality is that if you own your power that that is an attractive quality. It's kind of this weird, in between thing that happens where it starts to get creepy, that's what women react to. I was just talking with a friend of mine last night and she happens to be this really cute girl. She walks around and she's like, "It just gets weird when guys are like bumping into me and groping me and saying crazy shit." That's not owning your power. Owning your power is like being able to be like, "I am attracted to you. I can look you in the eye and I can share that with you right now in this moment." Does that make sense? It does. One of the themes of this whole course has been -‐-‐ and it's tough for some people to make this transition -‐-‐ to own your desire, but without neediness, without attachment to result.
Exactly. So to look her in the eye and say, "You're really cool. You're sexy. I'm really enjoying talking to you." I call that a sexy sandwich, by the way. It's 5
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a nice transition where you can just lay it in there in the middle and it's not like, "Oh my God, you're sexy. I want you. I need you in my life. I'm going to be upset if you reject me." It's just a nice, cool -‐-‐ meaning cool temperature -‐-‐ nice, chill observation. This is a statement of how I feel and I'm good with it. I'm not ashamed of it and I'm not going to hide it. So on taking that, let's take it to the next step now because this is a big question for a lot of guys. Louis C.K. has this thing about the "rapey vibe". I don’t know if you've ever heard that comic that he has where a girl kind of pushes his hand away. She's making out with him and pushes his hand away, and the next morning she goes, "Well, what happened? Why didn’t you do anything?" He goes, "Well, you kept pushing my hand away." She goes, "Why didn’t you just go for it?" He goes, "Well, if I knew you wanted me to rape you..." He's all confused. He doesn’t know that middle ground. So can you give some very specific ways guys can allow their sexuality to be soaked by women and to let her know that he has sexual interest without giving that creepy vibe or needy vibe? That'll be really interesting. Yeah, I would love to. This is a very nuance discussion. And for the guys, look, I understand this is a nuance discussion and I want you to know that I would really love to be able to break it down in a way as best as I could, so I'm totally open to feedback, but let me to the best of my ability right now, let me explain what I mean by that. Here's the thing. We get used to -‐-‐ like I said, those guys are used to -‐-‐ we have a cycle of self pleasure because our sexual desire versus what most guys are actually able to express out in the world, there's a disparity. And so, we get used to kind of having these quickies with ourselves or we get used to certain kind of sensations. So what that does is it begins to keep us from learning how to manage feeling uncomfortable with our sexual energy in the face of being with a real human being. So the key thing here is when you're with a woman and you're turned on and you're feeling those feelings, especially if she turns you on a lot, which happens to me, I'll feel so much sensation in my body that at times it can be overwhelming. What do I do? I immediately go to my breathing because I don’t want to just [0:17:47] [Audio glitch]. I want to feel good in my life and I don’t my feeling to be dependent on anybody, any woman and anybody, anything. I want to just have that in my life. So if she's stimulating me in such a way 6
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via just visually where my body is starting to be like I'm on fire, the first thing I do is I just start to relax. I just breathe and I go, "Okay. Yeah, this feels good," like waking up after [0:18:16] [Audio glitch] and you'd go outside and you're smelling that air. You're like, "Oh yeah, this smells good." This is what I'm talking about owning your power. Now I'm not walking out there and going like, "Mmm, the air smells really good. Is it okay that it smells good? Is that okay?" And I'm also not going out there and like trying to put the air in a little jar and close it up and take it in the house or put a leash on it. It is an experience. And so, I'm really surrendering to the experience like the moment being present, like I'm feeling a lot of sensing in my body and I'm just relaxing with that, but I'm still keeping connection and eye contact. So where it gets creepy is guys are ashamed, so they start to do these -‐-‐ they lose touch with the moment because they've got an agenda. It's like, "I'm going to get laid. I want to get in her pussy, so I'm not going to -‐-‐ I'm sort of quasi-‐listening to what she's saying, but I'm thinking about what I'm going to say next. I'm feeling all this stuff and I can't relieve it unless somehow she opens her legs for me." That whole game you just got to drop. You've got to be willing to just be there and feel the intensity of the sensation and still stay current and present with her. And when I finally am feeling that sensation and then I look her in the eye and I'm like, "Yeah, I'm feeling really good. You're looking beautiful tonight. Wow! It's just really nice," and then I move on. See, I'm not trying to take it anywhere because no guys do that. They're just scratching their heads going like, "Huh?" Does that make sense? Mm-‐hmm.
So to me, that's really the key, is feeling intensity but learning to manage the feeling of intensity so that you're just cool with feeling intensity. I love it; I love the feeling. I love what it does to my body. I'm very relaxed about it. I breathe it in. I love all that feeling, so it's learning to get comfortable with feeling uncomfortable and sometimes intense sexual energy will just feel uncomfortable. Let's talk about a social situation, a sort of pre-‐sexual situation where a guy -‐-‐ I'm asking because guys have sort of a very common question. You 7
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meet somebody, you like her, you want to get sexual with her, but you don’t know how to move it into that direction. My common answer is you start out that way with every woman. Let them know that you're a sexual being in one way or another, not coming on to them necessarily but showing that you're comfortable with your sexuality. What is your response? Well, I agree with you .The way I see it, and I understand that this is a little bit different, but I kind of look at myself as like a sexual freight train. A freight train is moving and you can either join the train or not; I don’t care. If you do join the train, it's going to be awesome. If you don’t join the train, it's okay because it's a big freaking world. So I'm always just -‐-‐ I love my sexual energy. I love feeling good in my body, so I'm always walking around like that. Some women are going to be uncomfortable with it, but my experience is nine times out of ten, they're kind of appreciative that I'm just kind of relaxed and cool and feeling all of that. And if they're willing to relax at all and tune in to that, then they're going to have a lot of fun because you don’t necessarily have to get a women in bed to enjoy and get tons of good juice out of the experience. I feel that way with me. I know I'm bringing something good to the table, and all of you guys should know that because you are starting to really work with that power and confidence because there is nothing like that, like an empowered masculine energy to rock a woman's world. She just loves that and there's no place to get that other than a dude who's comfortable in his body and sexuality. A freight train, it's good. It's good you're not a toy train. Yeah, it's better to be a freight train. So let's get practical again. How would you communicate that you would like to be sexual with someone? Again, it's obviously a nuance conversation and there are lots of different ways you can be encountering a woman out in the world, but do you have any guidelines? Well, yeah. Here's the thing. The subtlety here is that I never approach it, like I said, like I'm already full because I am genuinely. And so, in my experience, women are very highly attuned to sexuality. And so, I don’t really have to say or do all that much because she has this experience with men trying to get in her pants. She already has that experience. Now sometimes, women are like, "Why is he talking to me?" There is 8
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sometimes that, which is kind of humorous, but basically there is a fair amount of experience that they already have. So I find that the most subtle clues, like for example, how I touch her will communicate sexual interest because I'm touching in a very narrow -‐-‐ I tend to keep my touch in like the ultra safe zones until -‐-‐ but you can communicate with somebody by just -‐-‐ how do I say this? Here's an example. I will put my hand on a woman's shoulder and hold it for a count of three, and give it a little -‐-‐ just the tiniest little squeeze. So in other words, my hand is like a feather. I put it on her shoulder, give her a little squeeze and pull off slowly. I have communicated through that touch because, guess what? We happen to be really, really, really smart when it comes to touch.
So it doesn’t take much in the nonverbal especially, and touch is one of those things. It doesn’t take much for a woman to go like, "Oh, okay. This guy is sexually interested in me" because if you're not sexually interested, you're not going to be touching at all. Right. I call that -‐-‐ Does that make sense? Yes. I actually teach the exact same thing in my sexuality program. It's like having a little secret between the two of you. Exactly. It's your secret; no one else can see it, right? If you're at a party or if you're in a group, now you have something to bond over. It's also good, guys, honestly to have eye contact as you do that, and a warm, nice, normal smile, unless you're super flirting and giving her that demon little smile if there's that kind of energy going on already, but it creates that little secret between you and her. Now you have something -‐-‐ and watch her response and you'll know. Yeah. Adam, here's an interesting thing that happens and I'm sure you'll appreciate. I find as you guys start to tune into this -‐-‐ because it really is like a radio station. You're tuning in to WE LOVE 106.9. You're really 9
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tuning into that frequency where she is like -‐-‐ where you're having another conversation. Everybody else is like pounding at KISS 101 and they're like the beats are going, but there's this other entire conversation. You and I were hanging out and I was having one of those conversations, and it was all just eye contact, a little bit of touch. It's weird. It's like you start to have this secret conversation that happens and you're communicating everything without ever saying anything. It's really awesome. Are you on mute again? Yeah. I have a new phone. I upgraded to the Galaxy Note III or whatever this thing is. Oh yeah, that's right. It shuts down and I have to put a key in by the time I speak. There's an awkward silence. Okay, so that's -‐-‐ and we'll come back to this, guys. If you have any questions about how to raise sexuality in conversation in a social scene, hold on to the end because I want to talk a little bit more now about boldness and actual sexuality because there's always that question. How aggressive is too aggressive? How assertive is too assertive? What does bold actually mean? You and I had a really interesting discussion. I think it was yesterday afternoon. We were having lunch here. Forbes Magazine posted a really interesting article. Research was done on what makes for a great leader, and the two things that make for a great leader were directionality and permeability. It means the ability to listen and absorb like a sponge, permeable. Can he absorb new information? And you laughed because you raised the issue of what does boldness actually mean. Tell everybody what you told me yesterday when we were talking about boldness because I think it's really important. Right. Here's the thing. You and I have a mutual friend that will remain unnamed, but he's a perfect example of somebody who has boldness, but is not permeable. And so, what happens is if he moves through life and he's just wreaking havoc on people -‐-‐ because he's not permeable. He's just, "I'm just bold and this is what I want and I just go for what I want," and so there's this wake of women who are having a very dent experience because they're feeling like attuned to or listened to or there's any kind of feedback. 10
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For example, if I'm making a move and a woman goes like "That's too much" like maybe she moves my hand away or something, which honestly that doesn’t really happen because it's like you're constantly calibrating where she is. There's a rhythm and you have to develop that sensitivity and you're going to get it wrong. I've gotten it wrong many, many times in the past especially. I would just get it wrong. I'd either miss that she was giving me sexual cues, or I would think she was giving me sexual cues and she wasn't.
At this point, I'm totally willing to ask because that's my permeability thing. That's where I start to see, yeah, not only am I going to be bold because I want to let her know, "Yes, I'm into you," but I also want to get the feedback because maybe she is and maybe she isn't, or maybe she just doesn't know, or maybe she isn't in this moment, but in ten minutes, she -‐-‐ that's kind of the thing. So you have to be able to get feedback. It's not enough to just take action. You have to take action, but you also have to observe, and then you have to be receptive and that's that permeability. So boldness without receptivity is cult leader and it's just what a woman would say is like, "You're just a dick." But boldness with the ability to inhale, if you will -‐-‐ and that's what I see the difference is. You're not always exhaling. You're not always like -‐-‐ you've got to be able to inhale and exhale, and so that's the dance. To me, that is really what boldness is about. It's being able to take action, but it's also to be able to receive feedback. Beautiful. Okay. You know what? Before we get into the bedroom, which is the next thing I want to talk about, let's actually open up the lines. We've covered a lot and I want to see if anyone has any questions, so hopefully that echo will be gone. Sure. If anyone has speakers on and you want to make a call, you might want to turn your speakers off and put on headphones or something like that. I have it on Q&A now, so *7 will open the line and I'll see you if you call in, so *7. If you have any questions on anything we talked about so far, *7 will get you in. Okay, Atlanta. 11
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I'm just curious about the breathing exercise. Is there sort of a general practice to just do to keep you into that or get into that habit? What do you suggest on that? Okay, great question. I actually set a timer on my phone, and so I'll have an alarm that'll go off twice a day. And no matter where I am, it's set twice a day, but when it goes off and where it goes off is completely random obviously because depending on where I am. That just says "breathe now". In that moment, I will take five deep breaths, and a deep breath, a diaphragmatic breath is just -‐-‐ you're pushing out your belly to breathe. You're just like -‐-‐ and then I hold it and then I just let it out. Do that practice whenever and wherever, and the reason I set up a timer is because sometimes I forget. I get stressed out during the day or something will happen, and anytime we experience stress, we just stop breathing, which is why a lot of people stop breathing in bed because they get stressed out. There are like performance anxiety and "What do I do?" and so our breath stops. So the counterpoint to that is to just practice breathing anytime. Before I got on this call, I was feeling a little bit tired because I had a long day, lots had been going on. I just did five beautiful deep breaths for two minutes and then boom, you're just like, "Okay, I'm ready." So my answer to that question is practice breathing, deep cause breathing anytime you think of it. And just in case you don’t think about it, set an alarm to just practice. Yeah. It's funny. I used to resist it. If you would say "breathe", I'm like, "What the fuck do you think I've been doing for 30 or 40 years?" I'm also adding a little more because I've also done a lot of work in this and it took a lot of resistance for me. So when you say breathe -‐-‐ have you ever seen a baby's belly? Push your belly out. It's helpful to visualize when you do this as well. So when you start -‐-‐ uh-‐oh. Here's the delay. All right. I don’t know what's going on there, but here I am. Hopefully the recording is good. Breathe into your chest first. Fill up your chest and then fill up your mid stomach area, and then visualize, use your mind, visualize all the way down to your belly and literally down to your balls and push the air down in your mind. Let it flow, not aggressively push, but let it just slowly fill you from the top going all the way down, nice and slow and visualize it as you go.
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Visualizing is very, very important. It's something that every sports star knows, every public speaker knows, every performer knows. When you visualize something, it absolutely previews your life or visualizing absolutely changes the experiences that you're having. It makes you more expert. So by visualizing, you can actually send that energy down deep into your belly and then hold it and then breathe out in reverse, so push from -‐-‐ let's see. How do we do it? Push on the belly first? Yeah. Push from the balls. Push from the balls up and then visualize and watch your body. Let your stomach go in and in your chest, your upper chest, and then breathe out everything, breathe out that air. I did a lot of work in laughter therapy and the value of laughter. One of the great things about laughter is that it oxygenates your body because it brings up stuff that hangs out at the bottom of your lungs apparently because it's convulsive. So there's a lot of dead air hanging around the bottom of our lungs apparently from what I read. I'm not a physician, but it energizes your body. It literally puts energy into your body. Literally? A calm energy, yeah. By the way, great idea to do right before you enter a party or before your date walks in, or when she goes to the bathroom when you're at dinner. Hopefully she uses the bathroom. But if there's a minute, take that minute and do that. Really take that minute and breathe and it calms your body down, and women can feel that and you can feel it, so if that's helpful. Let me see if I can open that line again. Okay. It sounds okay. Do you have a follow-‐up question in Atlanta? Was that good? Do you want some more? Anyone else have a *7 question? Here he is again. Do you have a follow-‐up to that? Yeah. That permeability that you were talking about referring to you're just keeping yourself open like that, I'm presuming that you can integrate that with the breathing exercise is what I'm gathering. It's sort of like a process. Am I on track with that? You are right on track with that. You are exactly right on track with that. The breathing is part slowing myself down to be permeable, and you'll hear that. People who are in my life, they'll see. I will literally just do this. 13
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I'll just go -‐-‐ you know, here's the weird thing. I think smokers, one of the reasons they smoke is to take that time to be permeable, to gather thoughts, to stand back, but you don’t need the cigarettes. You can just do that, so you're right on target with that. Okay, thanks. That's an interesting take. Great question, thanks. Thanks, buddy. Interesting perspective there on smoking. I never thought of that. By the way, in a conversation, I've got to tell you, even with a woman, you can just literally breathe her in. If you kiss her, there's a moment you're looking at her face and -‐-‐ I do this all the time. In my mind -‐-‐ I have a good imagination -‐-‐ I will breathe her in, exactly like it. I look at her and it's not literally breathing her in like a spore, but with my imagination and my heart and my eyes just breathe in this woman, the beauty of her, and they can usually feel that. That's a nice little technique to connect yourself to women and to connect yourself to who she really is, and you can really deepen that practice, not just breathing in her beauty in the moment, but breathe her in as the full human story that she is. Those of you who have some years on you, if you're 40 and such, you start seeing life with a bit more scope and your love of people generally deepens. When I see a woman, I love to visualize her when she was a baby, when she was in preschool or in school and then she'd be an old woman and see the scope of life of who she is, and it really connects me deeper to who she is. I'm able to communicate with her in a different way because I've personally taken that moment to breathe in the whole sort of arc of her life, all the pain and all the hope and all the beauty and all the frustration, all the pleasures and all the love that she has experienced or might experience, and it gives me -‐-‐ it just connects me in a deeper way with her and whatever comes out of my mouth will be different. So you can take this breathing and really build on it. Adam, I just want to thank you because that is just such an articulate way to say exactly -‐-‐ I mean, it's just different but also -‐-‐ I mean, that's it. I want to acknowledge it because it's such a beautiful thing. It doesn’t matter whether it's real or not. Sometimes guys get caught up in this. "Well, I don’t know." It doesn’t matter. What matters is by you taking that moment, Adam, where you're looking at her -‐-‐ and I do this. It's funny. I've never really talked about this with anybody, but I do this. I look at it as giving her a gift.
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Sometimes women are like, "I want to be seen." What does that really mean? It's what you just spoke about. It's like I'm taking her in. I'm appreciating her with the entirety of my body, not just my heart but with my cock, with my balls, with my belly, with my power, with my heart, with my voice, with my eyes. With all of my power, I am breathing her. I love that, like the arc of this creature's life, and there is love. That's how I walk around. I just feel so much love and appreciation. It's kind of awesome. Mute button. Are you there? Well, I just want to make sure we're -‐-‐ okay. It looks like we may have -‐-‐ Adam may be muted out, so I will just continue with that. This is a nuance piece, but for you guys that are listening, I really want to encourage you that permeable piece is just being able to see that entire arc and it's being able to take her in and appreciate and find the value in. As Adam said, as you get older, you can really appreciate people who are alive and have lived and are participating in life, and I find that is just such a great experience to have, like to really just go into that appreciation and sharing that appreciation. I do want to share that with you because I just think it's just so important. She absolutely will feel that in her body. That is a beautiful feeling. Beautiful. Are you back? Yeah, I'm back. I don’t know what happened. It dropped off, but I'm back. Okay, cool! Thank you. I figured you would pick up the -‐-‐ okay. That's a huge learning right there. That can really change things for you and anybody really. Let's take the last few minutes talking about the bedroom because there's a lot of crap out there about how women "want to be treated". It's again a nuance conversation because women often like, for example, to be dominated in bed, but in a loving way. Yeah. Here's the thing. If you're permeable and you have communication, that's really the key. Are you able to speak with a woman about your needs and your desires and allow her to really express her needs and 15
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desires? And that's part of communication. That's what I love about relationships over time, is yes, you can have sex with somebody, but to me, just like taking point A and inserting it into slot B, it's just the surface of what's going on. Adam, when you're talking about, okay, does she want to be dominated? Well, I create a safe environment for her and I don’t judge, which I don’t. She literally can have and go to places that she may have never gone to in her life, and that's the piece that creating safety and communication for her creates a container for her to be able to dive in and experience her deepest, most erotic, awesome sexual desires and fantasies, but guess what? She needs to feel safe in order to do that.
She needs to feel that if she says "no" or "that's too much" that you're going to stop instantaneously, that you'll be able to back off. Sometimes when you're [0:45:22] [Indiscernible] in these things, they can get a little bit uncomfortable if you're really going there. If she's willing to go there and you're willing to go there, you might go to places where you both are like, "Wow! That's a little on the edge, which is awesome." I love those places. She may just be like that, so intense she may just cry. And so, you have to have the safety of the environment that contains all of that, including the wildest fantasies and also the deepest emotional releases. Mm-‐hmm. I'm here again, by the way. Say that again? I'm back. I fell off again. Oh, okay. So what I was just saying is that in a nutshell, it's just simply that creating a safe container allows her to go to those more scared place of psyche, which is beautiful. It's vulnerable, it's open, it's awesome, but then you create the safe container where she knows you're going to respond to "no" if she says "no" or "that's too much". And so, again, it's boldness but with permeability, and part of permeability is developing the ability to communicate. Okay. So how do you create the safe container then? For me, the safe container is like I love to discuss these things in detail ahead of time because what I'm doing is I'm letting her know she's safe, like no matter what crazy thing she brings out, I'm just going to be like, 16
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"Yeah, cool! Awesome!" because I feel that way. I genuinely feel that way. Among consenting adults, it's all good. So part of creating the safety is feeling like -‐-‐ it's like creating the safety of, "Okay, I've got a space where I'm not going to judge you sexually. I'm going to give you full permission to express yourself completely." And when I say full permission, what I mean is I'm just not going to judge you. I'm just going to be like "Tell me" or "Please share with me your deepest fantasies." And through communication, she starts to feel safe. Those walls can start to come down because if she says -‐-‐ for example, I've heard some crazy stuff in my time. Honestly, I just love that person that much more for being willing to go there. I think women really genuinely feel that, and so that is what creates safety because she's going to test you and kind of say, "Well, I'd really like to kind of play the little school girl fantasy. I'd really like to be spanked," whatever. These are all tests for her to see how you respond if you're still open and love her and communicate with her and express to her because all women have -‐-‐ seriously, the things that go in the minds of women are just amazing, but they're not going to let that out if they don’t feel safe. Yes. I don’t know if you can hear me, sorry -‐-‐ like I said, new phone. So let's share some ways of making them feel safe, like other specific ways. You can actually say, "By the way, I want you to know you're safe with me." You can actually say that. Absolutely. That's a great suggestion, which I do say, by the way. I love to communicate that. You can communicate that with touch. You can communicate that with eye contact and guess what? You can communicate that by listening. That's why it's so important when we're talking to guys and we're like, "Be in the moment." What does that really mean? It means you're being permeable and you can listen. If you can listen and have her feel heard, that will naturally create safety. Part of how I do this is I just feed back. I check in. I'm like, "So what I'm thinking I'm hearing you say is X, Y, Z" and she'll say "Yeah" or "No, not exactly, no. This is what I mean." I really enjoy that process because as you get that communication down, you want to think about it as doorways to the depths of this infinite sexual universe, of this amazing sexual being. And the more safe she feels and the more relaxed she feels, the more those doors open, and most women do not get to have those experiences in their entire lives. 17
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So when they meet men who are willing to go there, who are willing to communicate, who are willing to say, "Hey, really, you are genuinely safe with me. I'm not judging you. I'm just accepting you. I'm loving you. I'm embracing the totality of you," that creates safety. Adam, think about it for yourself. You know this because when a woman is just like, "I'm loving all of you," what happens? You're just like, okay, because otherwise we then tend to split off and hide things. Mm-‐hmm, and women like it when you just love their body. It's what they like. Women love it when they feel seen. As you said, seen, heard. I had a friend who wrote -‐-‐ he was a studio executive, a very smart one. He works in film as well. He was writing a book. I don’t know if he ever finished it. I must talk with him. The core element of good storytelling and good film is that the character is discovered, like there's something -‐-‐ we're all walking on the world and everybody wants to be discovered. I'm actually going to be working on A Hero's Journey in romance soon, but the core of A Hero's Journey, Joseph Campbell's A Hero's Journey, which is [0:51:37] [Indiscernible] story in human history is that there's someone living in some kind of static, frustrating state, and then is called out of that state on a journey into a new state, and that's the story of our life. We have [0:51:51] [Indiscernible] and we join a program like this or we take a trip or we do something that jolts us out of where we were so we could start a new journey. Every woman, [0:52:00] [Indiscernible], every woman wants to be discovered. She wants to be the star. She wants to know -‐-‐ and not in a bad way. I don’t mean that in a bad way at all. She wants to feel that she's kind of the star of her story right now. And when you can make her feel special, when you can see her whole self and discover her and show the impact that it has on you, the joy of your discovery of her, that is probably one of the biggest turn-‐ons that she'll ever feel. Well, I agree. I love what you're saying. I totally agree. I think Joseph Campbell's -‐-‐ that journey, that's what it is. Women get frozen somewhere -‐-‐ in my experience, they get frozen somewhere around high school. Their sexuality gets locked up because they're sprouting breasts and they're having feelings and they're trying to step out. And a lot of times, they get hit with shame and all of those things, so they do get frozen until somebody comes in and says, "Hey, that's all bullshit. You can 18
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[0:55:04]
put that shit down. I want to see inside of you literally and figuratively and all of the above." "I want to move these layers of ice because those aren't really who you are anyway. Those are kind of a lie." They are so relieved in being seen in that way. It's like, "What?" So that's a great metaphor and it's a great thing to practice. If you understand that most women you meet are in some frozen state, part of your job is to help them unfreeze and get out of that nonsense. You are the [0:53:53] [Indiscernible]. That's really nice. Thank you. I can use that. That's right. You are the [0:53:56] [Indiscernible] for women. Nice! Guess what? I mean I know I have been over and over -‐-‐ because of how I live my life. You and I live an unusual life where really our whole life is really built around awakening and growing and experience. We're lucky. We've created a life where that's who we are, and so women who go to work everyday, they find that very exciting obviously, but you don’t have to give up your job and do that. Oh yeah. But you can make your life bold about awakening, living life to its full experience, trying new things and really be involved in your life. It really turns women on, and then you become what Joseph Campbell calls the call to adventure. There's a voice that calls you out. In the Lord of the Rings, it's when he gets the -‐-‐ he has to go return the thing, whatever his name is, Frodo? Yeah. Frodo has to return that ring. Now, he's called to that. He has to go do that, so you become the ring to these girls. You're the one who calls them to go on a journey with you because you're living your life boldly. So that's my harangue about living boldly because that takes all the pressure of having to act bold with them because you're actually feeling bold.
You're feeling like you're on fire about your life, and I'll be talking a lot about that this coming year in 2013 because that's what it's all about ultimately. It's ultimately all about your life. You have one life, so you might as well live it boldly. 19
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Lawrence:
Participant: Lawrence:
We're in an hour, so I'm going to see if there are any questions anyone has for Lawrence. By the way, Lawrence, awesome stuff. We have to work together more. I love listening to you. We're really aligned and you bring so much to the table. So *7 if anyone wants to ask Lawrence a question. Okay, from Oregon and from Atlanta. Let's do Oregon first. Yeah. On the breathing, I've heard that if you match your breathing to the woman that it helps to build a strong rapport. I find that most women breathe about two times for every time I breathe that I feel like I'm panting when I try to match them. A thought on that? I can jump in on that because -‐-‐ Yeah, definitely. I will time one breath to their two breaths. Believe me, I've learned that, too and it's true. What you said is true. So personally, what I have done is learn to time my breath to two of their breaths. How about you, Lawrence? Well, yeah, I think that's a perfect thing. I also know that the breathing -‐-‐ sometimes they'll breathe rapidly because there are a number of things going on for them. So what I will do is I will take the dominant role, the bold role, if you will, and I'm just going to go -‐-‐ if I see that happening, I'm just going to go like -‐-‐ and watch what happens. Please do a social experiment. Go out, you see her -‐-‐ forget about trying to match her breathing right away. Just see what it is and you just go and just be rock solid deep in your breath, like you are just like you are doing your thing and you are breathing and you are happy to be alive. Trust me, watch what happens. Try that. Okay. That sounds interesting. I would suspect that she's going to start slowing her breathing. Right. She's going to breathe differently. It really is an amazing thing. Now, if she doesn’t, if she just moves faster or something like that, again, social experiment. Notice what you're doing. How are you behaving? So these are ways to pay attention, but I will tell you, I use this all the time where I will just randomly just be like -‐-‐ and just watch what happens. It's 20
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Adam: Participant: [1:00:00] Adam:
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hilarious. It is hilarious. I would love to hear kind of like -‐-‐ you know, have fun with it because it is really fun. Yeah. I get it. That sounds like a fun experiment. I'm going to try that. You could also use this during sex, particularly in -‐-‐ it's called [0:58:14] [Indiscernible] isn't it? If a woman's sitting on you and you're sitting up and she's looking at you, you can definitely practice deep breathing together. It's fantastic. Okay, let's jump to the south, Atlanta again. Yeah. I just want to comment that communicating -‐-‐ the comments you made about communicating and stating that the woman is safe with you has been extremely helpful. I think that's an awesome idea. Have you ever encountered anything where it kind of unnerves them or they kind of just go quiet on you? Any comments on how to deal with that, especially if it sort of maybe overloads their circuit, so to speak? Lawrence? I think we lost Lawrence this time. Lawrence? Yup, I think he dropped off. Can you ask your question again? I'll see if I can handle it. Sure. It's the communication of the safety. Have you ever had any experience with that sort making her go quiet or doesn’t have quite the intended result that you want or you're hoping to achieve on that, and what -‐-‐ Sure. Absolutely. Look -‐-‐ What do you recommend?
Okay. I want to underline this. Women are not recipes. It really bothers me when I see marketing around dating products. "This will absolutely get anyone…" you know, I hate that shit. "This will absolutely get any woman to spread her legs" or "This will make any woman fall in love…" no. I totally agree. It does not exist and I hate that stuff and you'll never see it from me. So if you said "You're safe with me" and she quiets up all of a sudden, my instinct would be that she probably had some sexual abuse in her past 21
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and that would be a time to slow down and say, "You know what? Let's talk a little bit. Let's talk about anything that's on your mind because I sense you have a little anxiety, and your happiness and your safety is more important to me more than anything." So basically just acknowledge that and make it [1:00:47] [Audio glitch]. Yeah. Remember, I posted something on Facebook yesterday about -‐-‐ yesterday's the Super Bowl -‐-‐ or a couple of days ago when we were recording this. I posted something about on this day of glorified violence and male strategy, which is all great. There's a place for it and I love football. I actually love football, but there's a shadow side to that, and the shadow side is sexual abuse. There is so much -‐-‐ the more you talk to women, there's so much stuff -‐-‐ but if a woman responds oddly or shuts up or quiets down when you say, "You're safe with me," she might say, "Why do you say that? Should I not be safe?" You might trigger something. Or if she, in any way, acts awkwardly around that, it's an opportunity for you to slow down and again say that, "I'm sensing a little anxiety and I want you to know your happiness and your safety is the most important thing for me. Let's just talk a bit," so that's a signal to you. Perfect. Okay. Lawrence, you probably came back in, is that right? I think we lost him. I wonder where he went. Okay. Are there any other questions before I -‐-‐ I think we've lost him. So no, I don’t think so. Look, this is a great discussion. Lawrence, again, I've known him for years and he's been teaching workshops in a very high level. He's just coming out with a program. It's not out yet. For people who hear this later, the recorded version of this, there will be his program attached. I think it's coming out on early 2013. As you can tell, he's a deep and thoughtful and skilled man, and someone very much worth learning from. And I'm back. And he's back! We've been talking about you. I was about to wrap up. I don’t know if there's another question, if anyone has a question. Well, I was hearing your response and I thought that was excellent, to the Atlanta question. I thought that was great.
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Thank you. Yeah. I totally agree with you. I was in the middle of saying the same thing. I'm not sure what happened, but yeah, when in doubt, slow down. Do something else. Make jokes. Go into the other room. Changing the energy is so crucial because it's like you said, all human beings have lots of little land mines in them. You never know what could potentially come up, so I thought you described that perfectly and I 100% agree. Okay. This is just the opposite of what my marriage felt like. Okay, that was beautiful. I never got a 100% agreement. Thank you, Lawrence. I was just telling them that you have a program coming out soon and we will attach that and send a link to everybody, so they can always check it out. Do you want to say what's in it? Because I haven't seen it yet, but I'm sure it's great knowing you. Yeah. You know what? I'm going to be talking about all of this -‐-‐ it's funny because all of these things that we spoke about are actually -‐-‐ they're in the program because these are the questions that guys ask me the most. When I work with women, they ask me these questions a lot because they're like "How do I deal with this?" or "What do I do with this?" Typically, women will say to me, "Guys don’t know how to touch me." They feel alone and lonely. So I have all these men who are feeling lonely and I have all these women who are feeling lonely, and I'm like, what is going on here? And then I just started breaking down those techniques, like what can help both of us get what we want because we both want the same things? So that's what the program is about. I've got kind of an entry level aspect of it, and then I've got kind of the major download of everything in my brain, which is going to be like nine or ten hours of material. That's going to be great obviously, so great. I will send a link to everyone in this program when it's ready. Everybody, thank you so much. I'll see if I can open the line. It's been a little crazy, so you can thank Lawrence, so I'll just open it massively and -‐-‐ go ahead. Well done! Thanks, Lawrence. That was very helpful. Awesome! Thank you. I would love to do it again if you guys have more questions. I'm happy to help. 23
[1:05:05] Participant: Adam:
Lawrence: Adam: Lawrence: [1:05:50]
Very good. I'm looking forward to the project. Thanks, everybody. Please, once again, if you could shoot me an email to
[email protected] and if you found this class useful, just shoot me a little email that I can put in my [1:05:17] [Indiscernible] to everyone else and let them know what's in it, if you could say why you found it valuable or what you found valuable. I won't put your name on it. You're a really articulate group and I'd love to hear what you found valuable. It's also good for me to know what strikes you home. So if you just do that now while you're still fresh, I would really appreciate that. Thanks so much everyone, and thank you, Lawrence. Thank you so much. That was truly, truly great. Thanks, Adam, my pleasure. Good night, everyone. I'll look for emails. Thank you. Okay, bye. Bye. End of Audio
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