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Compassionate communication with parents of children and young people with learning disabilities Leigh Burrows

a b

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Project officer with the Learning Difficulties Support Team (DECS)

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Lecturing in pre‐service teacher education, Flinders University

Available online: 09 Dec 2009

To cite this article: Leigh Burrows (2004): Compassionate communication with parents of children and young people with learning disabilities, Australian Journal of Learning Disabilities, 9:4, 12-20 To link to this article: http://dx.doi.org/10.1080/19404150409546775

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COMPASSIONATE COMMUNICATION WITH PARENTS OF CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE WITH LEARNING DISABILITIES

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LEIGH BURROWS

Leigh has a background in primary and secondary teaching in government and independent sectors. She has held positions in English and Special Education, with a major focus on students at risk, with previous involvement as a coordinator of a Women's Refuge. Leigh holds post-graduate qualifications in Learning Difficulties and Special Education and is a project officer with the Learning Difficulties Support Team (DECS), which involves providing support to parents and schools in relation to students with learning difficulties and learning disabilities. She is also currently lecturing in pre-service teacher education at Flinders University. She has presented her ideas to a conference on Innovation in Education in Thailand in 2002 and will be lecturing in November 2004 to special education teachers in Macau on issues relating to students with emotional and behaviour needs. She has a passion for capacity building for students with learning and emotional difficulties through emotional intelligence approaches to supporting students, teachers and parents.

ABSTRACT This paper introduces the concept and practice of compassionate communication as a useful framework for teachers to underpin communicating with parents of children with learning disabilities. Many teachers have had the experience of their language interfering with their intentions around working together, embracing differences and honouring each other's strengths and gifts. Through miscommunication and misunderstanding their wellintentioned initiatives can go awry. Before any planning for interventions, strategies or accommodations is put in place, it is essential to lay the foundation for a positive relationship between home and school. A literature review will identify the issues within the context of parent-teacher communication, followed by a discussion of the key elements of compassionate communication. Two case study examples are then considered from the perspective of compassionate communication. Case studies are drawn from the writer's experience supporting school communities through the Learning Difficulties Support Team (LDST),

INTRODUCTION

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he purpose of this paper is to raise awareness of the emotional nature of teaching and parenting; to encourage compassion and dialogue in relation to actual case studies of parentteacher communication and to highlight emotions in action; altered ways of seeing and the possibility of changed practices and approaches. Page 12

involvement in the Special Needs Parent Helpline, and as a teacher in both private and public sectors and as a parent. I can understand why parents get that angry, because I couldn't get them to see my point of view... I said you are not listening to what I am saying I didn't feel like I was getting any help. It was like me and him against the world.' Parent of a child with a learning disability quoted in Vincent & Martin, 2002, p 118) (The parent) started to ask me ridiculous questions and grill me over the phone about things that were completely unreasonable and wouldn't take no for an answer and it was just crazy. They're just venting on you. And that happens fairly frequently unfortunately. Teacher, quoted in Hargreaves 2001, p. 1065 I've absolutely no idea what I could do to change my approach and reactions. I don't know, I've no ideas left. What can I do? I don't know. Parent of children with a learning disability quoted in Vincent & Martin, 2002, p.118.

Theoretical and experiential evidence suggests that the effects of emotions and feelings may account for a great deal of the difficulties many parents of children with a disability or difficulty find when attempting to communicate with school personnel. The notion of . Compassionate Communication has been used to frame positive and emerging communication strategies that are supportive of teachers' attempts to facilitate positive AUSTRALIAN JOURNAL OK LEARNING DISABILITIES

communication with parents. While few would question the need to build positive communication between home and school, I argue that the framework of Compassionate Communication has the potential to go further than this. .The difficulties faced by parents of children with a learning disability are not to be underestimated. Many parents experience strong emotions when dealing with issues such as educational interventions and Vol.9 No. 4 December 2004

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accommodations in relation to their children. These have the potential to cause grief, anger, frustration, confusion and feelings of powerlessness. My own interest in this topic stems from a realization that a significant proportion of my time working as a project officer with the LDST and taking calls for the Special Needs Helpline is spent in supporting parents and teachers to more effectively communicate with one another to better address the learning needs of students with learning disabilities. This realization led to the desire to develop a framework that would be supportive of educators wanting to facilitate more positive communication processes with parents. To do this, I conducted a literature search through the education, special education and emotional intelligence literature to identify the issues in relation to parent- teacher communication and to find out if there were any existing communication frameworks that had an emphasis on empathie forms of building positive parent teacher relationships. In the process of reviewing the literature 1 rediscovered Person-centred Counseling (Rogers), had my commitment to Personal (Gardner) and Emotional Intelligence (Goleman) reaffirmed and discovered Non-Violent Communication (Rosenburg), dadirri (Ungmeyer), the Ethics of Engagement (Thompson) and Educational Emotional Awareness (Mohammed). Through my research into NonViolent Communication I encountered an adaptation of this work developed by a Steiner School teacher (Cunningham www.cnvc.org accessed 21 March 2004) who built on Rosenburg's notion of Compassionate Communication in relation to the needs of his own school. I then decided to develop my own approach to Compassionate Communication by incorporating elements from the models above that I believed complemented, enriched and extended Rosenburg's original approach and built on Cunningham's adaptation. Compassionate Communication is represented in this paper as an holistic framework that Vol.9 No.-l December 2004

has at its basis the practice of PersonCentred Counseling and the principles of Non-w'oient Communication. It was also informed by the theories of Personal and Emotional Intelligences and complemented by the indigenous concept of dadirri, the Ethics of Engagement from the discipline of Midwifery and Educational Emotional Awareness, a concept and practice developed by an educator who is involved in training teachers to work with students with learning disabilities such as dyslexia, and who herself has dyslexia. In the following section I present the results of this literature review, followed by a description of the various models in terms of their relevance for parent-teacher communication strategies. I then apply elements of the Compassionate Communication framework to two case studies, drawing out those strategies which may be useful to teachers wishing to facilitate more positive communication with parents. LITERATURE REVIEW Positive communication between parents and teachers is an important element in schooling for children and young people, and, it could be argued, is even more important for those students with special needs, such as learning disabilities. Parents of children with learning disabilities may become anxious if they believe that their concerns are not taken seriously (Hannell, 1998) or that the appropriate strategies and supports are not being put into place. Difficulties such as misunderstandings and a lack of empathy and understanding can interfere with the process of communication between home and school. At times, painful emotions such as anger, frustration, and fear can lead to the breakdown of communication. Lytle and Bordin (2OOO,p75) underscore this with their quote from a parent who said that 'almost any discussion about one's child raises protective emotions that are not present in other types of meetings. ...staff need to be respectful of that'. Historically, it is interesting to note that an understanding of the role of emotions has tended to be excluded from the field of education (Hargreaves, 2001, McLaughlin, AUSTRALIAN JOURNAL OV LEARNING DISABILITIES

2003, p. 67) This has tended to lead to communication styles of detachment, distance and 'professionalism ' in education (»Noddings in McLaughlin 2003, p. 66) while the language of schooling has tended to focus on accountability, outcomes and benchmarks rather than on relationships. As Hargreaves has noted in his paper entitled The Emotional Geographies of Teaching (2001) 'they do not quite get to the heart of it' (p. 1057). He calls for a framework to assist teachers to 'develop and exercise their emotional competence' and to facilitate the development of emotional understanding within school communities (pl059). As we can see, the challenges faced by children and young people with learning disabilities and their families are not only academic, but also social and emotional in nature. Little research has been done into the impact having a learning disability such as dyslexia has on the emotions of student, parent and teacher (Mohammed, 2002, p. 37). One writer (Edwards, 1994) describes dyslexia as a 'subtle, hidden handicap and a very emotive issue both to those who suffer from it and to their families' (p56). It has been argued that learning disabilities often arouse emotions such as anger, frustration and depression and that teachers can find themselves experiencing similar emotions (Mohammed, 2002, p.38). The literature on parent-teacher communication reveals that teachers can experience a range of emotions about their teaching and ability to meet the expectations of parents. (Hargreaves, 2001, Katz 1996, Struder, 1993). As highlighted by Hargreaves (2001), teaching and learning are emotional practices which can 'make people problematic objects to themselves' (p.1056) as evidenced by the experience of Winograd (2003) a professor of education who upon returning to a primary classroom for a year was painfully confronted by his own emotional fragility, experiencing nightmares about losing control of the class, and a parent removing her child due to his incompetence. He found himself suppressing his emotions and dwelling on his Page 13

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perceived inadequacies until he learned to use these emotions as catalysts for taking action and bringing about change (p.1642). Winograd reflected in his journal on whether or not he was alone in his emotional responses or whether other teachers had similar experiences but did not share them publicly. My own recent experience of working with pre-service teachers highlighted this when a student expressed to me that my willingness to be emotionally honest about my teaching and learning experiences was something he had not encountered before in teacher-education and was something he believed was integral to the teacher training process (Student Feedback, 2004). It could be argued (Hargreaves 2001, p. 1076) that many teachers tend to adopt a position of professional distance in order to protect their power and position instead of communicating with parents in a more open and respectful manner. Todd (2000) argues that there is a need for teachers and other professionals to 'uncover the personal, subjective and affective' and thereby 'unfreeze' what she calls ironically their ' Professional Thought Disorder'. She suggests this 'disorder' could include negative transference and projection onto others such as parents and students, rigidly held beliefs, delusions of grandeur, a compulsion to categorise the experience of others as well as disordered cognition (p78). Miretsky (2004) argues that most parents are not given the opportunity to speak to educators with 'a real voice' (p. 861 ). One study of the overall character of parent voice in six schools in the United Kingdom in a study by Vincent and Martin (2002) described it as 'individual, cautious and insecure', (p. 109) Todd (2000) quotes a parent who knew she was expected to support the school's view, but realised she had to step back and realign herself with her child. I was too much partnering the school, if you like, which is what you think a good parent ought to do. (p. 74) While the literature demonstrates^ perceived lack of Page 14

power for parents, there are also a number of writers (Hapner &. Imel, 2002, Smyth et al 2000, Todd, 2000, Zickel & Arnold, 2001) who argue that students are rarely included in decision-making and planning processes about issues in relation to their schooling. Terrill (2002) argues that 'parents have a strong commitment to voicing their child's needs' (p. 10) and makes the point that since it is likely that many students have not had the opportunity to express their voice, there is a need for parents to voice their needs for them. In my own experience with the LDST where an emphasis is placed on gathering the views of student, parent and teacher, and documenting these in a personalized planning process, many parents have been prepared to step back once they believed that their son or daughter's learning needs were being accommodated and they were able to place their trust in the school. Many parents have difficulty knowing how to manage homeschool communication including meetings and communication books. Articulation of student and parent needs may not be straightforward for those who have not had positive experiences of schooling. Such parents can often feel alienated when faced with the authority of school personnel (Katz 1996, Lewis &. Foreman, 2002, p. 63,) and negative school experiences can lead to difficulties with communicating with teachers as a parent (Katz, 1993, Mill, reported in Lancashire, 2003). Many children with dyslexia also have a parent or family member who is dyslexic and unfortunately, unhappy school experiences can occur across generations. Edwards (1994 p64 ) draws attention to the emotional scars of people with dyslexia that arose as a result of difficulties in school. A disability advocate in South Australia notes that the process of gathering a family history often reveals that 'one of the parents is reliving the horror of their schooldays via what is happening to their child at school' (private communication, Finch, 2004) due to a disability such as dyslexia or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). AUSTRALIAN JOURNAL OF LEARNING DISABILITIES

Terril (2002) notes that a positive working relationship implies a level of partnership that is based on mutual respect, a non-judgmental attitude and a 'willingness to make adjustments to personal agendas in order to achieve shared goals' (p. 13). At times teachers may need to challenge parents' beliefs, necessitating the building of trust. In my role working with parents I have received feedback that the most valuable aspect of my support was that she was assisted to see for herself what was reasonable for her to expect from the school. (Personal Communication, 2001). This realization was to be the catalyst for positive change. In my view, a framework to support teachers to facilitate more positive communication with parents is clearly needed. Parents who bring emotions such as frustration, unhappiness and even anger to their communications with teachers may need opportunities to feel heard before they can begin to transform these emotions into more appropriate forms of communication. If teachers are to rise to the challenge of reflecting on their communication style to become more open and more empathie and to develop the qualities of listening, respect and trust, they too need support. A number of writers (Katz, 1996, Struder, 1993) note that teachers receive little training in building positive parentteacher relationships or indeed (Aspry and Roebuck 1977), in interpersonal skills. Aspry and Roebuck (1977) have in fact called for a much greater emphasis on communication in pre-service teacher training. PERSON-CENTRED COUNSELING Persori'Cencred counseling forms the basis of the Compassionate Communication framework in its focus on the need to be authentic. Rogers noted that 'the more that I can be genuine in the relationship, the more helpful it will be. It is only by providing the genuine reality which is me, that the other person will successfully seek for the reality in him (sic) '(Rogers, cited in Zohar D & Marshall I 2000, P 238). This perspective highlights the need to Vol.9 No. 4 December 2001

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avoid seeking refuge in professional territories and jargon and to meet the other person openly. In the person-centred approach, there is an essential trust in the capacity of others to think for themselves, to learn for themselves, and to communicate with what Rogers called 'unconditional positive regard'. Parents are therefore encouraged to contribute their own knowledge or experience, while the teacher is a facilitator of the process. The qualities of empathy and being able to listen without judgement or prejudice are required, but not employed as techniques as such. They are viewed more as part of a genuine desire for communication. Empathie listening is employed by members of the LDST when they talk with parents. They operate from the premise that parents are more than likely to be able to work through any issues if they are provided with support, which often includes listening without judgement or preconception, and listening also for the skills parents have within themselves that will assist to resolve the situation. Listening for and acknowledging strengths in both parents and teachers helps to reframe the situation and empower individuals to move forward. This respect for the experiences of parents, their stories and their skills is deepened through an understanding of the approach of dadirri.

DADIRRI: LISTENING TO ONE ANOTHER Dadirri has been referred to as 'the Aboriginal gift' (Ungunmeer, 1993 in Atkinson, 2003 p. 16) and is described as a deep inner listening with a quiet still awareness. There are some similarities with Rogers' personcentred counseling in the emphasis on non-judgmental listening, authenticity, respect for the individual and a non-intrusive approach. Dadirri is however seen not simply as a method of communication, but as a way of life, based on a strong sense that our community is made up of individuals with their own interconnecting stories that together make up the whole. Dadirri means valuing everyone's stories, no matter how

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painful, as part of the healing journey. This approach underpins the approach of members of the LDST who take calls for the Special Education Helpline in that team members often work from the belief that while many parent callers' stories are often very painful to recount and take time to emerge, they have value in themselves and are worthy of listening and response. T h e stories are treated respectfully within the culture of the Learning Difficulties Team and are appreciated as part of a valued 'story map' that helps to inform policy and practice in the field of learning difficulties and special education. It is possible also that this sharing of stories could be

It could be argued that H actively listening to the ! f stories and issues of | f parents and teachers requires a certain level of personal and emotional intelligence... This skill: building work is an | essential element of the | compassionate " I communication; ; - 1

facilitated through parent support groups as a way to help 'alleviate the stress caused by parenting a child with a learning difficulty' (Nichols, 2OOOp.31). It could be argued that actively listening to the stories and issues of parents and teachers requires a certain level of personal and emotional intelligence. In my role with the LDST I have presented a significant number of workshops on emotional intelligence with the aim of assisting educators and parents to develop greater ability to understand their own emotions and those of others. This skill-building work is an essential element of the Compassionate Communication framework. There has been positive feedback about the value of this

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work, with teachers commenting that 'All teachers should have access to this information.'( workshop feedback, August 2004)

PERSONAL AND EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCES interpersonal and intrapersonal intelligences form two of the eight intelligences identified by Howard Gardner. Gardner refers to these as the 'Personal Intelligences', which he argues involve knowing human beings and are of much importance in these times. (Gardner, 2004, p.39) He describes interpersonal intelligence as 'the ability to understand other people, what motivates them, how they work, and how to work cooperatively with them', (Gardner, 2004, p.39). He argues that good teachers will be high in interpersonal intelligence. A study by Aspry and Roebuck (1977) however, found that many teachers did not possess high levels of empathy or the ability to display unconditional positive regard (for students in their study) and that there was a need for professional development in this area. Gardner's intrapersonal intelligence focuses on knowledge of the self and the capacity to know one's own feelings, needs, strengths and anxieties (Gardner, 2004. p39). Emotional intelligence as a term was first coined by Salovey and Mayer in 1990 who identified its elements as being self awareness knowing your own emotions, managing your emotions, self motivation, self control, empathy and handling relationships. Gardner (2004) has acknowledged the contribution of Daniel Goleman to the popularisation of this 'newly acknowledged importance of sensitivity to others' (p. 39). A strength of this framework is that it views the elements listed above as developmental. For example it is understood that an individual needs to develop knowledge of him or herself before being able to be empathie of others and build relationships. Within the area of parent-teacher communication it often appears as if the need for both parents and teachers to have their own needs met overrides their ability to put themselves in the shoes of the

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other. The usefulness of the framework is highlighted in its emphasis on self-awareness as being the kind of awareness that does not get carried away by emotions, overreacting and amplifying what is perceived. 'Rather it is a neutral mode that maintains self reflectiveness even amidst turbulent emotions.' (Coleman 1995, p 47), echoing shades of dadirri. The notion of Educational Emotional Awareness similarly has a focus on the development of the skills of self-awareness, reflection and self-regulation but focuses greater attention on the potential of stressful situations to bring about change. It is interesting to note in this context that the Chinese character for crisis is the same as the one for opportunity. EDUCATIONAL EMOTIONAL AWARENESS Mahommed (2002) argues that selfawareness and self-reflectiveness are fundamental to the notion of educational emotional awareness. She bases her approach on her own experience of being dyslexic and having tended at school and university to allow herself to be 'hijacked' by emotions that were inappropriate and out of proportion to the situation. In her approach she recommends a conscious slowing down of response after a difficult incident such as a receiving a criticism has occurred, allowing for the feeling and its recognition to be reflected upon, analysed and transformed, before the response to the other person is made. This allows for time for the digestion of content and emotion, before reacting. Many parents and teachers find themselves caught up in the emotion of an interaction, and say things that they afterwards regret or did not convey the message they wanted to get across. Mahommed's (2002) research was based on teaching educators to become more conscious of their emotions while teaching and learning but it is possible to make links between her work and parent-teacher communication since it is a model that allows for greater listening, conscious awareness and provides for Page 16

the possibility of a change or even transformation of perspective. Within all the models discussed implicit is the need for respect for the other and an ethical approach. In the ethics of engagement model, however, this is both made explicit and foregrounded. ETHICS OF ENGAGEMENT An ethics of engagement approach arises out of an approach to midwifery that places at the forefront the relationship between mother and midwife, grounded in an 'ethics of practice'. The connection here lies in the potential closeness of the relationship between parent and teacher as between mother and midwife and while the gender similarity (in that mothers are traditionally more likely to be the parent engaged in interactions with teachers, (Terrill, 2002 p. 10) does not go unnoticed it is not explored here for reasons of space. This perspective focuses on a respect for the role of the mother (parent) and an acknowledgement of its importance. There is also a recognition of the power differential in professional relationships and that there may be a need to use 'strengthening strategies' (Thompson &. Kirkman, 2004, p. 170) to support and empower women during the childbirth or parenting process. These strengthening strategies help the woman (parent) to have confidence in herself, have courage and faith in her intuition and her understanding of the situation. The role of the midwife is to be with, alongside or for the woman, rather than over, or above her as in many other institutional practices and relationships including that of education. There is also a strong sense that this approach acknowledges the relationship the midwife builds with the mother and how this involves being with her in a trusting, respectful and affectionate manner. The ethics of engagement are also seen, through its practice, to develop 'understandings, competencies and dispositions' that can lead to personal transformation and altered ways of seeing. (Thompson & Kirkman, 2004, pp. 8170). In this way, teachers can be a powerful source of support for parents

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as they work together for positive outcomes for the child. In the Steiner system of education, for example, teachers stay with their class for seven years, during which time home visits and regular contact over the years contribute to the development of a strong and deep relationship based on mutual respect for each other's roles in the life of the child. The notion of non-violent communication has been embraced by a Steiner school teacher (Cunningham, 2004) who believed it exemplified the values and practices of the Steiner philosophy. I have worked in this system and have also been informed in my work with parents by my experience of its strong focus on community and the valuing of the role of the family in supporting the school. NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION Non-violent communication was developed by Rosenburg, an American psychologist who studied with Carl Rogers. He was interested in the reason why some people manage to stay centered in the most challenging circumstances. Rosenburg's (2003) Non-Violent Communication deals with expressing vulnerabilities, empathie receiving and recognition of the un-met needs of others. This approach encourages awareness of destructive communications that block compassion through a four step process including: • observation (staying open without evaluation or judgement); • feelings (identify how your feel and express this to the other person) • needs (identify and express the need that is the basis for your feelings) • requests (make a specific request for what you would like to happen)

How this process works in relation to parent-teacher communication. This process is described in detail through a case study in the next section. This approach draws Vol.!) No. 4 December 2004

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attention to what is being observed, felt and needed during communication and the need to stay connected even when emotions flare up- Like dadirri, its focus is on deep listening to ourselves as well as others and communication is seen as a way of creating a flow between the self and the other, assisting in dealing with blocks to communication such as demands and blaming. These can make communication with very challenging parents and teachers very stressful, and can lead to an escalation of any oppositional or aggressive behavior. This model has been used effectively by Cunningham (www.cnvc.org accessed 21 March 2004) who argues that its value lies in its emphasis on developing empathy. He suggests that teachers need empathy for the enormity of the work they undertake with our children, while parents need empathy for the challenges they face in parenting in the modern world with all its pressures. In the next section, the reader is taken through two case study examples presented in different forms. In all, parent-teacher communication is shown to progress through the use of strategies from the framework of Compassionate Communication, made up of elements of the earlier perspectives. CASE STUDY I Dylan This case study uses the perspective of non-violent communication as a fundamental aspect of the Compassionate Communication approach. It is clear that person' centred counseling, emotional and social intelligences and educational emotional

were teasing him about his work. His mother Maria mother phoned the teacher who did not get back to her. She phoned the principal who said she would talk to the teacher. She still did not hear anything so when she took Dylan to school she went into the classroom to see the teacher before the bell rang for lessons to start. Maria marched into Helen's classroom in a burst of energy and went up to her, as she stood by her desk ready to greet her year 5/6 students and take the roll. 'I want to see your Literacy program for the rest of the year!" she demanded. Maria strode over to her

lifThîs approach draws ¡pattention to what is being observed, felt and needed í during communication and the need to stay connected even when emotions flare up. Like dadirri, its focus is ; on deep listening to; ourselves as well as others pfand communication is seen as a way of creating

a flow between the self and the other, assisting in dealing with blocks to communication such as demands and blaming.

awareness strategies are also employed. Dylan is an artistic young man in year six who suffers from profound dyslexia and attentional problems. His mother had provided the school with information from the psychologist but Dylan was coming home from school exhausted, crying and saying he hated school and didn't want to go any more. He said he couldn't read the work on the board, and was falling behind. He also said that some boys in the class

son's desk, lifted it up and in front of all the children, she waved Dylan's English book at Helen: 'You see, this is what I mean, you call yourself a teacher, Dylan can't understand any of the tasks you've been wanting him to do. Keeping him in at recess to finish his work just isn't working. He shouldn't even be copying! Didn't you even read that report I gave you?. I've had enough. I am going to make a complaint and I might even take him out of the school!' Helen said nervously to Maria

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'Ah, well actually this isn't a good time.' She heard her voice become shrill as she said 'In fact I think you had better go, I have a class to teach, and you haven't helped the start of my day!' Helen was devastated. She stood shaking in front of the children as she tried to pull herself together and start the morning routines. She somehow got through the first session, although she couldn't stop thinking about the interaction she had just had. 'I handled that so badly,' she thought.' I reacted because I'm worried about my ability to teach Dylan literacy. He doesn't seem to get it, no matter what I do. Anyhow, Maria shouldn't have spoken to me like that. How dare she come into my class? ' She went to the staff room at recess and tried to get it off her chest by describing what had happened in dramatic tones and at least getting the satisfaction of her colleagues agreeing how out of line Maria was. But it didn't really make her feel any better. Maria meanwhile had gone to a girlfriend's for coffee and to download her woes. Her friend supported her and said she couldn't understand why the teacher didn't realise she was anxious about her son's learning and needed reassurance. It is clear from the above conversation that this kind of communication provokes defensiveness, resistance and counter attack. (Rosenberg 2003) The interactions were based on judging, blaming, labeling, assuming, comparing and needing to be right (Cunningham www.cnvc.org accessed 21 March 2004) resulting in misunderstanding and unsettling emotions on the part of both teacher and parent. The following describes what might have been happening in the minds of teacher and parent: HOW WE LISTEN: FOUR CHOICES (Adapted from Cunningham www.cnvc.0r2 accessed 21 March 2004)

From the perspective of Compassionate Communication we Pa»e 17

can choose how we listen to and make sense of what comes to us. When Helen heard what Maria had to say to her she could choose to respond by • taking it personally, internalizing the judgment, blaming herself, feeling guilty, ashamed, depressed that she had not handled it better or







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concluding she was under attack, interpreting what has been said as a critical judgment and react defensively, denying it and deciding that Maria was wrong and therefore to blame. Alternatively, Helen could have chosen to respond by • sensing her own feelings and needs by becoming aware of what might have been triggered by what Maria had said to her and the way she had acted. She could ask herself what emotions she was feeling: rejected, criticized, humiliated, scared, confused? She could then reflect on what she needs such as empathy, support, consideration, and understanding. It is possible then for her to be easier on herself, to consider herself and not go down the road to self punishment or





sensing the feelings and needs of the other by attempting to tune into what Maria is feeling and what her needs might be. Is she feeling embarrassed, silly, frustrated, sad, angry.7 If Helen can understand something of where Maria is coming from she has something on which to build any future communication.

An example of expressing and empathizing (adapted from Cunningham, 2002) based on the four steps: observations, feelings, needs and requests for support being understood, understanding others and creating connection so everyone has their needs met is presented below. 1. Parent (Maria) says to teacher (Helen) 'My son is exhausted when he comes home and he is unhappy'. Parent rephrases •

When I see how unhappy Dylan is wHen he comes home from school and tells me how hard it is for him to concentrate and finish Page 18

2.

his work, (observations) I feel very worried and sad for him, (feelings) Because I need to be clear about what is happening for him, especially since he has dyslexia, I need to know he is supported in his learning at school (needs) Would you be willing to share with me how you see things are going and the steps you are taking to support him? Teacher replies in frustration

Parents expect teachers to work miracles. Parents don't understand how hard it is for teachers. Parent empathises •

• •



3.

When I bring my concerns about Dylan's' unhappiness at school and some of the situations like having to stay in at recess to finish copying.... (observations). Are you feeling overwhelmed and stressed over this? (feelings) And needing some understanding around the challenges you face as well as support for your efforts (need for understanding and support) I'm wondering if I've understood you the way you'd like and whether or not there is something else you would like to share? (request) Teacher says to parent It seems like Dylan is spending too much time playing computer games and it is affecting his concentration

Teacher rephrases • When I see how Dylan struggles to stay focused on his writing and he tells me he spends a lot of time playing his video games, I think about what I know about sensory integration and child development, (observation) • I feel concerned and a little powerless about his problems with writing (feelings) • Because I need support for my efforts to help him and I don't think the hours on the computer are helping (need for support) •

Would you be willing to tell me what you are hearing me say? (a

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request) Parent blames herself: I'll never be a good enough parent. I just can't do it all. Teacher empathises •

When I share my concerns about Dylan and his difficulty staying focused and how it might be related to the computer games



Are you feeling overwhelmed and discouraged (feelings) • Because you need some acknowledgement for your efforts and some understanding for how difficult it might be to make . some changes at home. • I'm wondering if you'd like to meet some time to talk about this and how we might work together to support Dylan? (request) This approach to communication can be challenging. At first, it can feel somewhat artificial, and it can take some time before it begins to take on a more authentic quality. While some of the other approaches rely very much on authenticity, such as personcentred counseling and dadirri, Non violent Communication can enhance the Compassionate Communication process, by contributing an almost scripted framework to assist people to make the changes towards a communication style that is more supportive of both the self and the other. It can be summarized thus: I say what I observe, feel and want, and what you request for your own well-being. I hear what you observe, feel and want, and what you request for your own well being. In my own experience I have found that applying aspects of this method when working with parents and teachers has been invaluable in providing a framework for each to feel heard and to express their own needs. Over time it becomes a less artificial process. CASE STUDY II The following case study takes a different approach whereby other elements such as person-centred counseling, emotional intelligence, nonviolent communication, the ethics of engagement and dadirri are also employed.

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Chris Chris is in year 4- He has dyslexia and obsessive-compulsive disorder. He is very fearful of attending school and his mother has also become very anxious as she fears he will become aggressive again as he did a few months ago. She has chosen the school which is a long way away, even thought he is only able to cope at school until recess time. She has spent many months trying to get the school to understand the legitimacy of her concerns. The teacher began to lose confidence in her ability to meet his needs. The principal had tended to think she was overreacting and was concerned that Chris was not attending school for enough hours. Last time his hours were increased his obsessive (hand washing) behaviours increased. Chris' mother Anita needs a great deal of reassurance about Chris' behaviour and work in the classroom. Chris' teacher Ann also needs reassurance as she has begun to doubt her ability to meet the needs of such a complex child. Chris' attendance at school has become very sporadic and the time came to ask for some assistance. Anita is also ready for some help as the situation at home has been very difficult of late with Chris becoming increasingly fearful of monsters and attacks. Anita has become increasingly anxious he will flare up and be aggressive with another child as happened before. The school is very supportive but she feels that the teacher and principal do not really understand his disabilities as well as she do. She believes she knows what will work and is loath to even leave him at school some days and waits around almost for something to happen. A project officer from the Learning Difficulties Support Team has

been called into the school to help. She suggested that a special Quiet Room area, based on the principles of emotional intelligence be set up to

support Chris when he became stressed. This concept is based on the Quiet Place model in the United Kingdom. (Spalding 2000). The project officer saw the potential for developing an approach to

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communicating with Anita based on Compassionate Communication, through training the teachers in emotional intelligence and using the

room for any parent-teacher communication since was supportive of a calm, peaceful and even healing approach. Anita has used the room herself on mornings when she was finding it difficult to cope. She has spent time in the room collecting herself after a stressful morning getting Chris to school. The quiet room is also a welcoming space where Anita and the LDST project officer can chat and have a cup of tea. Many practical strategies are gathered from Anita and the project officer is able to reassure her that many of the strategies the teacher is using are congruent, although can be fine' tuned. Through their conversations Anita gradually becomes more trusting of the commitment of the school and even the department and feels less concerned about leaving him, particularly after has she has received detailed feedback about how he is in the class from the coordinator who has conducted observations. She also believes that the development of the room is a tangible sign that the school is wanting to reduce some of the stress of schooling for her son. In Quiet Room activities his strengths in oral literacy and creativity are able to shine since writing tasks are not conducted there. The project officer has also met with the teacher in the room after school and in a relaxed manner has been able to reassure her of the usefulness of her strategies and suggest others. The teacher has been recently nominated for an award for teachers working with children with learning disabilities, as she is an outstanding teacher. She begins to feel more confident about being able to work with Chris as she can see that Anita has realised she is highly skilled. The method of communication used draws on elements of all approaches described above. Firstly it was crucial to build trust through non-judgmental listening, unconditional positive regard and empathy. . AUSTRALIAN JOURNAL OF LEARNING DISABILITIES

It was also important to use an ethics of engagement approach since it was important to have respect for the hard work Anita has put in at home co support her son. Strengthening strategies were employed to support Anita to begin to trust herself, her own intuition and her own courage, when trying ro explain her son's conditions to teachers who had previously had a tendency to brush them off. Strengthening strategies were also needed for the teacher who had begun to lose her confidence in herself as a professional. Emotional and personal intelligences

were also needed in terms of any support person for Chris and Anita being able to know themselves well enough to deal with any emotions that could arise. Dealing with a child with obsessive-compulsive disorder and dyslexia, and his or her parent, can be very frustrating and disturbing. Educational emotional awareness and non-violent communication strategies were needed for developing a language to speak about the powerful emotions that arose in Chris and Anita from time to time. This language was needed to develop ways to communicate with the other children in the class about any outbursts that might occur. There were times when Anita, due to being highly anxious, made unreasonable demands on Chris' teacher who gradually learned to detach herself from the demands and the implied criticisms and hear what it was that Anita was actually asking for. Anita, too became more trusting that of the teacher as she saw she listened and took on board her requests for consideration. Dadirri was needed to engage in deep listening, and creating a metaphoric and physical space for speaking in the Quiet Room and of taking the time to hear a complicated story, with healing needed. Using the Quiet Room as a place to informally talk through issues, with its calming and peaceful atmosphere facilitated a deeper communication process. When using the room, the water fountain, music, oil burner and heating or cooling were automatically

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put on as part of creating a supportive atmosphere. This approach in one school has had far-reaching consequences in that other children are now using the room. This room is used for all the children in Chris' class who are keen to access it for painting, modeling, sandplay and storytelling activities as well as for quiet time and relaxation. The training provided and the experience gained by the teacher has contributed to the successful outcomes for a range of students including a child with behavioural issues relating to a number of foster placements. Chris no longer feels that he is the only child who benefits from and enjoys these activities and his mother and teacher now have a bond based on a deeper understanding of one another's perspectives. A high school has now also expressed an interest in developing a Quiet Room to support students with learning and emotional difficulties. CONCLUSION The case studies or stories presented above are drawn from my work with teachers and parents of students with learning disabilities. I have argued that Compassionate Communication is a useful framework upon which to develop more positive parent-teacher communication. As discussed above, a reading of the literature has highlighted the unsatisfactory nature of much communication between parents and teachers. This is supported by the experience of members of the LDST who report that parents often seem to have the perception that their voices go unheard and their wishes ignored. Alternately, parents often are highly anxious about communicating their concerns, as they believe that doing so may make things more difficult for their child. In my own experience of developing communication processes with parents over many years, I have become increasingly aware of my own and my colleagues' ability to be open and accessible while supporting the parent to safely express his or her often powerful emotions. Whatever feelings or thoughts a parent might express, even what might have formerly been interpreted as anger, criticism or fault finding, I find there is a greater desire

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to see through these to uncover the often unmet needs that might be underlying those feelings or thoughts thus facilitating the problem-solving process. As a result, parents give feedback to the Parent Helpline and the Learning Difficulties Team that they feel deeply listened to and heard. Solutions come more easily and conflicts and misunderstandings can be more readily addressed when strategies such as emotional intelligence, deep and non-judgmental listening, an ethics of engagement and non-violent communication strategies are employed. As noted by Hargreaves (2001) 'emotional misunderstanding does not simply arise because of personal deficiencies but is a feature of much human communication (p.1060) Compassionate Communication offers a framework to be used as loosely or tightly as the user wishes, to assist in enhancing educational conversations. The two case studies show how the model can be used on the one hand as a structure for dialogue, and on the other more broadly as a holistic and even healing process. It is my hope that through a greater acceptance and naming of the darker side of parentteacher communication, it may be possible to 'learn to use some of these emotions as catalysts for social activism and change' (Winograd, 2003, p. 1642) through an approach that incorporates aspects of a Compassionate Communication approach. REFERENCES Aspy D & Roebuck F (1977) Kids don't learn from people they don't like. Human Resource Development Press USA Atkinson (2002) Trauma Trails - Recreating Song Lines Victoria Spinifex Press Cunningham J Compassionate Communication and Waldorf schools. Centre for Non-violent Communication www.cnvc.org accessed 21 March 2004 Edwards J 1994. The scars of dyslexia. Cassell, London. Ekman P (2003) Emotions Revealed Henry Holt & Co USA Flinders University 2004, formal student feedback) Finch H (2004) Personal Communication Gardner H (2004) Changing Minds: The Art and Science of Changing Our Own and Other Peoples Minds Client Distribution Services USA Goleman D (1995) Emotional Intelligence: Why it can matter more than 1Q Bloomsbury Uk

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Hannell G (1998) The anxieties of mothers with dyslexic children British Dyslexia Association Handbook Hargreaves, A (2001) Emotional Geographies of Teaching Teachers College Record 103, no 6 Hapner, A. & Imel, B. (2002). The Students' voices: Teachers started to listen and show respect. Remedial and Special Education. Vol 23, No.2, March/April, pp 122-126. Katz L (1996) Preventing and Resolving ParentTeacher Differences ERIC digests http://www.ericfacility.net/ericdigess/ed401048. html Lytle, R. & Bordin J. (2000) The IEP meeting: All together now. Exceptional Parent, 30, 9,

74-77. Lewis, A. & Forman, T. (2002) Contestation or collaboration a comparative study of home school relations. Anthropology and Education Quarterly Washington March vol 33 1 pp 6090. McLaughlin, C. (2003) The feeling of finding out: the role of emotions in research. Uni of Cambridge UK Ed Action Research vol 11 no 1, Miretzky, D. The Communication Requirements of democratic schools: parent-teacher perspectives on their relationships. Teachers College Record vol 106 no 4 April 2004 pp814-851 Mohammed, M. (2002) Improving Teacher Education: Ways of developing metacognition, mediation, and educational emotional awareness in teachers of pupils with dyslexia. Unpublished Masters thesis School of Education Brunel University Rosenberg M (2003) Non -violent communication: a language of life Puddle Dancer Press USA http://www.nonviolentcommimication.com/ Spalding B. The Contribution of 'Quiet Place' to Early Intervention Strategies for Children with Emotional and Behavioural Difficulties. British Journal of Special Education. 27(3): 129-134. Sept 2000. Struder J (1993) Listen so that parents will speak. Childhood Education Winter 70, 2 ProQuest Terrill M (2002) Mothers of children with specific learning disabilities: a study of their concerns unpublished Masters Thesis School of Education Flinders University Todd, L. (2000) Letting the voice of the child challenge the narrative of professional practice Dulwich Centre Journal nos 1 & 2 Thompson, F. & Kirkham, M. 2004 Mothers and Midwives - the ethical journey. Books for Midwives Elsevier Science UK Vincent C & Martin J Class, culture and agency: researching parental voice. Discourse: studies in the cultural politics of education. Vol 23 no 1 2002 Winograd K (2003) The Functions of Teacher Emotions: the good, the bad and the ugly. Teachers College Record vol 105 no 9 pp1641-1673 Zickel, J P & Arnold E (2001) Putting the 1 in the 1EP. Educational Leadership. Vol 59 no 3 Zohar, D & Marshall, I. Spiritual Capital: Wealth We Can Live by Berrett-Koehler USA

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