Dangerous Games: Power and Control in Teen Dating

Dangerous Games: Power and Control in Teen Dating Relationships Table of Contents

Letter to Teachers, Counselors and Youth Leaders ................................................................................ 2 Video Structure .............................................................................................................................................. 3 Discussion Questions ..................................................................................................................................... 4 Suggested Activities ...................................................................................................................................... 5 Student Handouts The Dynamics of Dating Violence ......................................................................................................... 6 Statistics About Dating Violence............................................................................................................ 8 Dating Violence Resource Guide.......................................................................................................... 9 Dating Violence Warning Signs ............................................................................................................ 10 Safety Planning For Survivors................................................................................................................. 11 How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship.............................................................................. 12 Handout for Parents Parents: How to Help Your Teen in an Abusive Relationship ................................................... 14 Handout for Teachers, Administrators, Counselors and Other Staff Members School Responses to Dating Violence ........................................................................................ 15 Students’ Relationship Quiz........................................................................................................................ 17

#2953 Dangerous Games: Power and Control in Teen Dating Relationships

Dear Teachers, Counselors and Youth Leaders: Dangerous Games: Power and Control in Teen Dating Relationships is a 30-minute educational presentation aimed at identifying controlling behaviors that a teen may use against another in order to gain and maintain power and control in a dating relationship. This video is designed specifically for use in a structured classroom setting. It is highly recommended that teachers engage the services of a trained professional in the field of domestic violence while showing the tape and more importantly while engaging students in a constructive discussion following the viewing of this tape. As the title suggests, dating violence is dangerous and potentially lethal. When the subject of dating violence comes up, it is often the case that students will share information about their own experiences, including their involvement in a violent dating relationship. This situation must be taken seriously. Teachers should discuss safety with the student in question and make sure to connect the student with the proper helping resources. To find a domestic violence organization near you, consult the phone book or call 1-800-799SAFE.

The Domestic Violence Project, Inc./SAFE House, Ann Arbor, MI, 2003.

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Video Structure: Dangerous Games: Power and Control in Teen Dating Relationships, is formatted as three roleplay vignettes, with teen discussion/commentary following each one. There are no "talking heads" expert testimonials or statistics in the “Control," "Friends" and "Little Brother," role-plays or elsewhere in the program. This treatment of the subject was chosen so that teens could engage in a dynamic discussion of teen dating violence – recognizing and understanding the subtle (and not so subtle) abusive and controlling behaviors of an individual working to gain power and control over another individual. To complement the video, we recommend that teachers or other discussion leaders make use of the ideas and resources presented in this guide to educate students about the dynamics and potential lethality of dating violence. It is also advantageous to invite a dating violence professional into the classroom to provide additional information about the topic as well as local resources. Contact your local domestic violence organization for more ideas about how to educate young people about domestic and dating violence.


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Discussion Questions The following discussion questions are correlated to the three vignettes in the video. You may choose to stop the video after each vignette and address these questions, or you may decide to discuss all three sections at the end of the program. You may also hand these out as a written assignment. "Control" • Describe how Mark is controlling in his behavior towards Melissa. • Do you think Mark and Melissa's relationship is dangerous? Why or why not? • Do you see warning signs that Mark might become increasingly physically violent? • Is jealousy a sign of love? When does it cross the line to being abusive? What message do you think Mark is conveying when he acts jealous about Melissa's friends and activities? • Why do you think Mark wanted Melissa to wear the necklace? Is it okay to refuse a gift? Why does Melissa finally agree to wear the necklace? • Does Mark have the right to tell Melissa what to wear? • Do you think Mark is making a choice to be abusive? Should he be held accountable? If so, how? "Friends" • Have you known anyone who has experienced abuse? How did you handle the situation? • Do you agree that Mark and Melissa's friends should intervene in some way? Should they act on their suspicions now or wait until they are convinced that abuse is happening? • What do you think is the best way to help a friend who is involved in a violent relationship? • Why is it important for Melissa's friends to tell her that she's not at fault and doesn't deserve to be hurt? • What should Mark's friend say when he confronts Mark about his behavior? • Do you think that it is important to involve an adult? Why or why not? • What do you think about Kyle's responses to Mark's behavior ("This is between Mark and Melissa", "Sure he's a little overprotective, maybe even a little aggressive but he's a jock")? "Little Brother" • Do you think that controlling and abusive behaviors sometimes appear at a young age? • Do you think abuse is a choice? Who is responsible for the abuse in a relationship? • What qualities do you think are important in a healthy relationship? • What does respect mean to you? How did you learn that? • Do you think Louis was effective in teaching Kenny about respect in relationships? • Do you think that because Kenny witnessed his father abusing his mother he is destined to be abusive in his relationships?


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Suggested Activities • • • • •

Have students write a “job description” for an ideal dating partner. Encourage students to think about characteristics such as honesty, respect, and communication. Have students write an "advice column" style response to a dating violence survivor or abuser. Have students bring in media (newspaper articles, magazine articles, advertisements, song lyrics, television or movie clips, etc.) that are related to violence against women. Share and discuss. Have students make dating violence awareness posters to be displayed in their school and community. Have students raise funds or collect donations (shampoo, food, etc.) for their local domestic violence organization.


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The Dynamics of Dating Violence What is dating violence? Dating violence is a pattern of coercive control that one person in an intimate relationship uses over his or her partner. The terms battering and abuse are also used to refer to this type of violence. Abusive people, or batterers, use physical violence, sexual violence, emotional abuse, intimidation, threats, and money to control their partner. People of all ages date, and abuse can happen at any age. The focus of this guide, however, is on violence that happens in teen dating relationships. Battering is done intentionally to gain and maintain power and control over someone in an intimate relationship. It is not about the abuser’s inability to control his* temper. For example, the abuser will not assault the cashier at the grocery store who gave him the wrong change, but will assault his partner for something just as trivial. While the abuser knows that he could get in trouble for assaulting the cashier, he sees his partner as someone he has the right to mistreat and control, and does not believe there is apt to be negative consequences if he is violent towards her. In addition, where and when a batterer abuses his partner is intentional. Most dating violence assaults do not happen in public. Batterers frequently avoid hitting their partners in the face or other visible areas. Instead, they will deliberately leave bruises only in body areas that will be covered by clothing. These facts are further indicators that assailants do not abuse their partners out of a loss of control, but rather are controlled enough to hide their abuse from public eyes. Most often, a survivor** of dating violence is referred to as female while the batterer is referred as male. This is because 95% percent of such dating violence incidents involve men battering women. Despite this, women do sometimes abuse men. Abuse also occurs in same-sex relationships. Abuse happens between people of all races, cultures, religious beliefs, sexual orientations, educational backgrounds, and economic levels. The only characteristic common to those who are being abused is that the individuals with whom they are in a relationship are hurting them and exercising power and control over them. Like abuse survivors, abusers come from all different backgrounds. For example, some abusers grew up in violent homes while others did not. The only characteristic common to those who abuse is that they are making the choice to be violent and exercise power and control over the individuals with whom they are in an intimate relationship. Abuse does not go away on its own, and almost always gets worse over time. The only person to blame for the abuse is the one who is being abusive. Because abusing is a choice, stopping the abuse is always the responsibility of the batterer, and never of the survivor. How stereotypes and misconceptions shape the dynamics of teen dating violence: Adolescents are commonly seen as immature, irrational, and dramatic. Often their feelings are discounted, and their concerns are not taken seriously. As a result, their relationships are frequently viewed as trivial “puppy love”. Because adolescent relationships are often viewed in this context, the seriousness, or even existence, of teen dating violence is often minimized. These stereotypes create barriers for survivors of dating violence who want help. How an adolescent’s lack of resources shapes the dynamic of teen dating violence: Adolescents do not have the same rights in society as adults. This limits a dating violence survivor’s choices when seeking resources for help. For example, she must decide whether her


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need for help outweighs the risk of telling her parents what she has been experiencing at the hands of her partner. If her parents do not approve of her dating, or do not know she is sexually involved, she may be extremely hesitant to go to them for help. Consequently, survivors’ options and safety are limited by things such as parental consent laws, lack of transportation, lack of money, lack of confidential healthcare and mental health resources, and lack of programming specific to adolescents’ needs. Why does she stay? People often ask why someone would stay in an abusive relationship. No one likes to be abused. Most people do leave. Those who do not leave may stay for several reasons, mainly hope, fear, and love. Hope: Abusive relationships are almost never abusive right from the start. Hope that the relationship will return to being free of abuse can be very strong. This is made stronger by the fact that even in an abusive relationship, things are not always bad. Happy times are mixed in with the bad ones. Hope can be further strengthened by the assailant’s promises that he will change, especially when combined with things such as seeing a counselor or taking anger management classes. Fear: Dating violence is often at its most severe, and more likely to be lethal, when the abused individual tries to leave her abusive partner. The assailant may threaten that if she ever tries to leave, he will kill her. The survivor could fear leaving the relationship, particularly if her assailant has acted on violent threats in the past. The survivor may also experience fear of the unknown should the relationship end. For example, the survivor may fear that she will never meet someone else, and will be alone forever if she leaves her batterer. Or, if they have a child in common, she may fear facing the emotional and financial struggles of parenting on her own. Love: Love is a very powerful emotion. A survivor of dating violence may still love her boyfriend, even though he has been abusive to her. Just like hope, love can be strengthened by the good times when her assailant is still the sweet guy she fell in love with. Because she loves him, she wants to see the relationship work. She does not want to hurt him, and may therefore be hesitant to leave.


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Statistics about Dating Violence •

A study of eighth and ninth graders showed that 25% reported being victims of dating violence (American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 1996).

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Women aged 16 to 24 experience the highest per capita rate of intimate partner violence (US Department of Justice, 1997).

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21.7% of pregnant teenagers experience abuse in their relationship (Nursing Research, 1993).

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In a study of young women receiving prenatal care, those who experienced any form of abuse during the study were substantially more likely to miscarry than were their nonabused peers (American Journal of Preventive Medicine, 1999).

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In a survey of gay, lesbian and bisexual students, 40% said that they had been hurt physically or sexually by someone they dated (Massachusetts Department of Education, 1998).

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Forty percent of girls aged 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend (Children Now/Kaiser Permanente poll, 1995).

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Experiencing dating violence is associated with an increased risk of substance abuse, unhealthy weight control behavior, sexual risk behaviors, pregnancy and suicidality (Journal of the American Medical Association, 2001).


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Dating Violence Resource Guide Books:

Levy, Barrie. (1991) Dating Violence: Young Women in Danger. Seattle, WA: Seal Press. Levy, Barrie. (1993). In Love and In Danger: A teens guide to breaking free of abusive relationships. Seattle, WA: Seal Press. Levy, Barrie. and Giggans, Patricia.O. (1995). What Parents Need to Know about Dating Violence. Seattle, WA: Seal Press. Creighton, Allan. and Kivel, Paul. (1992). Helping Teen Stop Violence: A practical guide for counselors, educators, and parents. Almada, CA: Hunter House, Inc.

Websites:

http://www.teenrelationships.org - a site about relationships and abuse designed by teens for teens. http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove - a site about dating violence, including survivors’ stories. http://www.loveisnotabuse.org - Liz Claiborne's site dedicated to addressing teen dating violence. http://www.mincava.umn.edu/dateviol.asp - links to information, scholarly resources, and educational websites about dating violence. http://www.ncadv.org - the site of the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE


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Dating Violence Warning Signs Nobody wants to be abused or battered by someone they care about. Several of the characteristics listed below are "red flags" that might warn us of potential danger. Others are examples of already dangerous battering behavior that we sometimes confuse with intense feelings of love or caring. Knowing about these danger signs can help you make sense of a scary and confusing situation. JEALOUSY & POSSESSIVENESS We often confuse jealousy with a sign that someone really loves us. In reality, it is an emotion that arises out of a sense of insecurity, distrust and suspicion. Jealousy is a human emotion that we all experience from time to time, but a significant jealous streak could be an early warning sign of an abusive person. A potential batterer may use jealousy as justification for possessive and controlling behavior. Examples of possessive behavior are saying "you're mine" and not wanting you to share your time or attention with anyone else. CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR Examples of this type of "red flag" behavior include wanting to know where you are and who you are with all the time, wanting to know what you are doing at all times, controlling who you talk to and what you are "allowed" to wear, and making all the decisions in the relationship. A person who exhibits this or any other kind of controlling behavior may very well start to use violence as a means of control. BLAMING & HYPERSENSITIVE Be aware of someone who always blames others for everything that is not right in his or her life. Pay attention to how someone talks about past relationships. Are ex-partners treated badly or called bad names? Does the person seem to overreact when things don't go his/her way? PAST USE OF VIOLENCE If a person has used violence or other controlling behavior in past relationships, it is likely that those patterns of behavior will continue in new relationships. Any abuse claims made by ex-partners should be taken seriously, even if the person says the claims were made up. Also, once a person becomes violent in a relationship, he or she will probably continue using violence to control his/her partner and is likely to escalate the violence throughout the relationship. BREAKING OBJECTS / HITTING WALLS Acts like throwing objects, breaking your possessions, or hitting and kicking walls are examples of behaviors that are meant to be intimidating and therefore controlling. A person who behaves in this way may very well use violence against people too. UNPREDICTABLE MOOD SWINGS Unpredictable mood swings, especially those involving angry outbursts may be a sign of someone who uses violence and manipulation to gain power and control in relationships. Also, if a person shifts from angry and abusive to sweet and charming, it may be a danger sign. For more information or to talk to somebody about your relationship, call your local domestic violence organization or The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.


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Safety Planning for Survivors Safety planning is like having an emergency plan (in case of a tornado, hurricane, earthquake, etc.) – you know you can't control, stop or predict the emergency – but if it does happen you know what to do to keep yourself as safe as possible. Safety planning for dating violence works the same way – survivors are not responsible for, nor can they stop the violence. However, by thinking through what might happen and how they could respond, survivors can enhance their own safety. The best safety plans are ones that make sense in a survivor's life and incorporate the things she is already doing to stay safe. When safety planning, think through the things that could potentially happen and then brainstorm ways to enhance safety in the event that those things do happen. Consider these suggestions: If the survivor is still in the relationship: • Always carry a cell phone or carry enough change for a phone call in case you need to call for a ride. Any cell phone (with or without an active service agreement) should call 911. Some domestic violence organizations can provide a 911 cell phone at no charge to women in danger. • If the assailant starts getting physically abusive, try to stay in a room with more than one way out so he can't block the only exit. Avoid the kitchen and the bathroom – these are the most dangerous rooms in the house. • Call 911 if you are in danger. Some survivors devise code words to alert others that they need help without arousing the assailant's suspicion. • Keep all important documents and belongings in an easy and quick location in case you need to leave suddenly. If the survivor is ending the relationship (ending is the most dangerous time in a violent relationship and is the time when most assaults happen, so it is extremely important to safety plan before, during and after ending the relationship): • Make a plan about how and when to end the relationship. Think about whether it would be safer to do in a public place or over the phone. If you decide to do it in person, tell someone where you'll be, when they should expect you home and what you want them to do if you're not home at that time. • Spend some time thinking about how your partner might react when you break up with him. Is he likely to get angry and violent, or will he try to talk you out of it by making promises or getting upset? It can be helpful to think through what he might say so that you are prepared to handle it. • Identify people in your life who will offer you the emotional support you need while you cope with the difficult feelings and emotions of ending a relationship.


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If the survivor has already ended the relationship (the abuse may continue even when the relationship is over, sometimes in the form of stalking): • Have someone walk with you to class or accompany you to places where you might run into your assailant. Have your parents intercept phone calls from your assailant so that you don't have to deal with his abuse. • Alert school and work about the situation. Tell them how you want them to react if he shows up or causes problems (ask him to leave, call the police, don't leave you alone with him, etc.) • If your assailant is stalking you (calling repeatedly or showing up uninvited at your home, work, or school), keep a journal of all the incidents. This can be helpful if you decide to press charges or get a protective order. Save any answering machine messages or Caller ID listings. Take pictures of his car outside your house or any other evidence that he is stalking you.

How to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship Point Out the Different Types of Abuse. Help your friend recognize that abuse is more than getting hit or slapped. Abuse can be emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual. Abuse gets worse over time and won't stop on its own. Express Your Concerns. Tell your friend you are glad she confided in you. You can never say the following things too much: I'm worried about you; it's not your fault; I'm glad you told me about what you're going through; you deserve better; or I'm here for you. Be Accepting. Try to understand that there are both good and bad times in your friend's relationship. Don't become upset if she is not ready to break off the relationship and keeps returning to the abusive partner. Let her know you are there for her and will support her in whatever decision she makes. Support Your Friend's Strengths. Point out your friend's strengths. Remember, abusive individuals often put down, make fun of or ridicule their partners. Encourage your friend to take time for herself and spend time with people who support her. Reach Out to Someone Older for Help. Encourage your friend to find someone to talk to about the abuse, such as a domestic violence counselor, school counselor, teacher, clergy member or relative. Offer to go with your friend or to make the first call for her. Work on a Safety Plan. Help your friend think of ways to increase her safety. The physical abuse may increase if your friend takes steps to end the relationship because the abuser may feel he is losing control. Talk to your friend about what she thinks the abuser might do. Be There. Listen. Stay There. Keep supporting your friend. Avoid blaming her and make sure she knows you are standing beside her. If your friend is ready to end the relationship, continue to be supportive and try to get her involved in activities. It takes time to get over any relationship – even one that is violent.


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If your friend is the abuser: • Tell your friend that it is never acceptable to hurt someone, physically, emotionally or sexually. • Give him examples of the kinds of controlling and abusive behaviors that you observed. • Don't let the conversation turn to a discussion of his partner’s faults. No matter what she's done, she doesn't deserve to be hurt, intimidated, or abused. • Tell the person that he has to take responsibility for his behavior. Abuse is a choice and he can make the choice to change. Acknowledge that change is difficult, but that you will support him. • Tell him that hurting his partner is a crime and that you want to see him get help before he gets involved with the authorities. • If you witness an incident of dating violence, call 911 or the local police.


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Parents: How to Help Your Teen in an Abusive Relationship Communicate openly and non-judgmentally about the violence. Open doors for communication with comments like, “You look upset.” Don’t be accusatory. You may not get a response right away, but keep asking, and you will let her know that you notice and care about what happens to her. If she knows that you want to talk and won’t be judgmental, she will come to you when she’s ready. Take her seriously. Saying, “Forget him. There are plenty of guys out there,” doesn’t acknowledge her feelings. Be patient. If change takes a while, your teen will need your ongoing support. Listen to her. Notice small changes as well as big ones. Recognize that even if she doesn’t follow your suggestions, she knows that you are there to support her. Acknowledge that you do not have power to control your teen, but you do have influence. Use your influence to tell her about the realities of violence, resources for help, your concerns about her safety and her future. Tell her, “I’m afraid for you. I think this guy is dangerous.” Remind her that jealousy is not love; it’s control. Work together to make a safety plan. Try to agree on safe circumstances under which she may see her boyfriend. That way, she’ll have a chance to think about her own safety, and to judge him herself. Help her think about what she can do if she finds herself in an unsafe situation. Make sure she knows what to do in an emergency, even if she denies that she is in danger. Tell her you will pick her up anywhere, any time, no questions asked. Let her know that she can trust you to hold up your end of the bargain. Gather information so that you are prepared to take effective action. Find out what is actually going on in her relationship by asking her, her friends, her school. Call your local domestic violence organization and talk to a counselor about how you can help. Support your teen’s strengths. Encourage her in areas of her life other than her relationship. Appreciate the difficult decisions she does make to protect herself from her boyfriend’s abuse, even if she is not breaking up with him. Do not yell at her, tell her what she can and can’t do or give her ultimatums – that is what her boyfriend is doing. For more information, call your local domestic violence program or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.


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School Responses to Dating Violence Individual Response: How you can respond as a teacher, administrator, counselor, or other staff person to students involved in dating violence: To the survivor: • LISTEN to what the survivor has to say and take her or him seriously. • Be non-judgmental. • Support the survivor’s strengths. • Help the survivor explore her or his options and respect the choices she or he makes. • Help the survivor recognize abusive patterns in the relationship. • Help the survivor create a plan for safety. • Educate yourself about dating violence, know the signs of abuse and learn about area resources. To the assailant: • If you know of the assailant’s actions through the survivor, be sure to get the survivor’s permission before speaking to him. The assailant may retaliate, so help the survivor to think about safety concerns. • Tell the assailant that he is responsible for his abusive actions and can stop them. • Tell the assailant you disapprove of abusive behavior. • Refer the assailant to a program for batterers. Classroom Response: How you can respond to dating violence in the classroom? • Address dating violence, domestic violence, and sexual assault in your classroom curriculum. • Identify and address verbally and physically abusive behavior in the classroom. • Invite your local domestic violence organization to talk to the class about dating and domestic violence. • Post information about local resources on bulletin boards. School-Wide Response: How your entire school can stop dating violence. • Create school policies that outline procedures for dealing with dating violence/sexual assault offenders and ways to enhance survivors’ safety. • Sponsor assemblies, panel discussions, or speakers on the subject of dating violence. • Have information from your local domestic violence organization available in accessible locations (bathroom stalls, gym locker rooms, guidance office). • Mandate ongoing training for teachers, staff, and administrators about dating and domestic violence, sexual assault, and sexual harassment. • Send staff to training about domestic violence. Your local domestic violence organization may offer trainings. • Add dating violence and similar topics to school-wide health curriculum. • Design after-school activities for students to learn/talk about violence in relationships.


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Community Response: How your school can work with the community to combat dating violence • Address the prevalence of and response to dating violence at PTA and school board meetings. • Talk to your local domestic violence organization about opportunities for students to get involved with the effort to stop violence against women. Call your local domestic violence organization or The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1800-799-SAFE for more information.


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Relationship Quiz Does your partner . . . Frighten you? Threaten you? Believe that you belong to him? Blame you for making him lose his temper? Hit, kick, shove, punch, slap, restrain, or otherwise hurt you physically? Force you to justify everything you do, every place you go, or every person you see? Want to know where you are every single minute? Repeatedly call to check up on you when you are not with him? Expect you to change your plans to be with him? Interfere with your homework or studying? Continually put down the things and people you care about? Act extremely jealous? Repeatedly accuse you of flirting with others? Interfere with your relationships with friends and family? Call you names? Insult your physical appearance or choice of clothing? Do you . . . Frighten your partner? Threaten your partner? Believe that your partner belongs to you? Blame your partner when you lose your temper? Hit, kick, shove, punch, slap, restrain, or otherwise physically hurt your partner? Force your partner to justify everything she does, every place she goes, or every person she sees? Want to know where your partner is every single minute? Repeatedly check up on your partner when she is not with you? Expect your partner to change her plans to be with you? Interfere with your partner's homework or studying? Continually put down the things or people that your partner cares about? Act extremely jealous? Repeatedly accuse your partner of flirting with others? Interfere with your partner's relationships with friends and family? Call your partner names? Insult your partner's physical appearance or choice of clothing? For more information or for help, call your local domestic violence organization or 1-800-799-SAFE


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