This process is a struggle against two cultural systems that don't want to ...... P 4: âMy secular career took me to New York City in the winter of 1989. There, for the ...
Chapter 4 Findings Throughout the blogs a common thread was found tying together the narratives of 16 individuals who all identify as male, gay/Bi/Queer, and having a Christian faith. The binding feature of each of their stories was this idea that to be an LGBTQ Christian is to be in process. This process consisted of a constant negotiation of identity against the individual’s relationship to scripture, people in their cultural settings, and even with God. The LGBTQ Christians in this study wrote about this process/journey to find an accepting view of them. For the Queer Christian it is not just a process of accepting their sexuality but also being accepted for their faith. The LGBTQ Christian identity is a “minority within a minority,” where, as one of the participant’s states, “my beliefs and my sexuality have left me metaphorically homeless on both sides.” This process is a struggle against two cultural systems that don’t want to accept one or more parts of the other. This wrestling against culture, to find wholeness in a queer identity will be explored answering the research questions along the way. The findings of this research were broken down into five major themes: 1) Accepting the Queer identity, 2) the power of choice, 3) the power of study, 4) the power of relationships, and 5) the power of the queer voice in discourse.
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Process of Reconciling Faith and Sexuality RQ1: How do LGBTQ Christians talk about the process of accepting their queer Christian identity? It was in the first analysis that a major key term of process was utilized. Some spoke of it as the struggle, wrestling, toiling, and the journey. Each of these passages pointed to a story to reconcile their faith and sexuality, and how important it was for them to validate both. This process brought up another key term of finding acceptance. Acceptance was not always acceptance from other people, but also acceptance with God, and acceptance of self. With acceptance there were many examples of dealing with shame and feelings of guilt that added to the social pressures to conform or choose a different path. Another key term that was of importance was that of experience. Their were individual moments, turning points, spontaneous happenings that contributed to the narrative and had a powerful impact on the turning point of the narrative. These turning point experiences are where the major themes were found in this project. Becoming a Queer Christian The data present a paradoxical beginning for the process leading to accepting a personal Queer Christian Identity. The individual is left in a no man’s land between Christian and LGBTQ culture. This dichotomy, LGBTQ vs. Christian, is constructed as false. Instead there is this in between space, a queer space where the individual feels caught between groups of people, those who he identifies with in a spiritual 34
community as well as those he identifies with because of this common stigma of being gay or other LGBTQ identified. P 6: “The Christian versus LGBT narrative is a false dichotomy. For many people, myself included, we are people of faith AND LGBT.” P 22: “So, where does this put me–an out and full of faith gay Mormon? To be honest, it puts me in a very hard place, because as I have said, my faith and my sexual orientation are both important parts of who I am.” This AND space creates the place of where this identity is constructed. In a world between worlds. This question of “where does it put me?” articulates the paradox that LGBTQ people of faith find themselves in. This in between space is made up of a community of people who find themselves both sympathizing with the religious culture they are tied to even though it may reject their sexual/gender identity, as well as, having perceived rejection from people who share the same sexual/gender identity because of their spirituality. This in between space has been silenced, and silenced by the pressures of both sides. P 19: “I am in no-man’s-land, receiving not-so-friendly fire from both sides. This entire conversation has one point of contention: religion. There are those of us with a foot planted in both or even multiple communities finding ourselves marginalized within them all. I have been silenced by both sides as I am told to keep my religion to myself or my sexuality in the closet. Both communities are guilty of attempting to eradicate what they fear, not truly engaging with one another, just yelling across lines drawn in the sand. What does this mean as the conversation inevitably continues for people like me — those of us in between?” P 22: “There was so much hatred from both sides of the gay marriage issue that I really felt there was no place for someone like me who identified and sympathized with both. I felt like I had to choose a side and fight. So that’s what I did–I chose my Mormon side. I had grown up a faithful and devout member and felt it was the easier and more acceptable route to take. I renewed my commitment to myself to shun the homosexual feelings I had been feeling and did everything in my power to show myself, my friends, my family and 35
God that I was dedicated to being a good Mormon boy–and to me, that meant not liking other boys.” Through this pressure to conform to one side or another the choice is silencing one side of their identity. They report it as being an alone space where they are left to figure out for themselves what it means to be gay and Christian. P 22: "All this is not to say the road’s been easy. I won’t gloss over the fact that as a gay man, fully participating in church activities has become difficult. Going to singles ward activities, where the sole purpose of, say, a city wide video scavenger hunt is to help you find your future spouse, isn’t as fun when you’re not looking or even interested in one. It was in those moments when I came to realize that I was going to have to take my spirituality on by myself. If I truly wanted to maintain the relationship with God that I had spent so much time developing, I was going to have to work on it personally, since culturally it wasn’t easy for me to fit in" P 17: “I worked for several years as a Southern Baptist youth minister in Arkansas, and honestly, I loved it. I loved the programming, the worship, the time spent investing life into young people’s lives to lead them closer to their Creator. But as of January 2012, I left my post in the SBC for quite a few reasons; the main one being that I am gay. I have always known I was gay, just as I’ve always known I was supposed to be in the ministry.” P 19: “Just as I identify as a bisexual man, I identify as a Christian Seventhday Adventist. When the church asked me to shake my sexuality off as a phase, it stuck to me like my own skin; and when LGBT individuals scoff at my beliefs, I refused to reject them as simply fairy tales. Neither group can compel me to change my identity, for an identity in its very nature is an essential part of a person’s being. Still, both groups label me as an outlier, attempting to dissect the parts they do not understand, like their fifth-grade science project. Like most fifth-graders, however, both groups involved are bright-eyed and still have a lot to learn. Both sides are unintentionally causing damage to those of us whom they seek to help. So here I stand an apparent walking contradiction to many, and a myth to the rest.” These men are deeply connected to their faith, and it contributes to their construction of identity. Inside of the discourses they have had access to, they are not free to embrace their full “Self.” The Christian discourse rejects and silences the 36
LGBTQ. For the men in this study their queer identity and their spiritual identity are both equally important. The pressures to conform are constructed inside of this perception that there is a Christian vs. LGBTQ dichotomy. It is against this system that the queer Christian must struggle to find their identity. Accepting the Queer Identity- a Faith that goes against Culture For the person who finds her/himself in this no-man’s land, the struggle is real. The ideal life spoken about in the pews of churches; growing up, getting married, and building a family, is unattainable, and not just gay people are suffering. P 22: “Sometimes it feels as though the plan of happiness has come to mean getting baptized, going on a mission, getting a college degree, marrying in the temple, and having children. It is indeed a beautiful plan. But the reality is that for some, that model of happiness is unattainable—and I’m not just talking solely about gay members. As members of the LDS Church, we need to remember that amidst some seemingly black and white issues, there exists a lot of gray, and that gray can be heart wrenching for those experiencing it.” (22/8) There is this prototype that one must “live into” and it is represented in the ceremony and communicative acts of the church. This writer points out that there has been a way the church had been “singling out those who don’t fit the mold”. It is here, where the struggle begins. As awareness of this queer vs. Christian dichotomy arises, there is a need to reconcile one’s religion and sexual orientation, as seen in the following excerpts. P 10: “Here are my struggles to reconcile my religion & sexual orientation. I used to think that being a Christian and being gay were mutually exclusive.” P 6: “Yet many of us have reconciled our various identities of faith, gender, and sexuality.” “To reconcile our faith and our sexuality is a process”
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P 4: “Even in full-time ministry, my inner battle raged. I struggled to reconcile my same sex attractions with what I had been taught that the Bible said about being gay.” P 17: “I spent the majority of my life to date trying to reconcile my feelings and attractions with what I was taught about Scripture. After many, many years of toiling over the Scriptures and struggling with God, I finally came to terms with my theology, my sexuality, and my faith.” P 1: “I finally grew to realize that there was a word for guys who are only attracted to guys, and that that word was “gay.” I looked into therapy to change my attractions, but discovered that it didn’t work. That started me on a journey of trying to figure out what God wanted for my life. Should I marry a woman I had no attraction to? Should I pursue a relationship with a guy? (Marriage? Non-sexual romance? Something else?) Should I commit myself to lifelong celibacy? What did the Bible say? Would my Christian friends and family understand my struggles?” This reconciliation process is referred to as a “struggle,” “process,” and “journey.” It is a process of reconciling their faith and sexuality, and a journey toward wholeness. The struggle they write about points to this negotiation of identity in a church conversation led by straight men. Looking around at the ceremonial practices and the traditional doctrinal beliefs that get communicated through them, leaves the queer individual in a place where they can not identify, or find those people who can help them sort out what it means for them to be a Christian. Left alone to work out their relationship with God, because culturally they could not fit in. P 22: but what I have come to find since accepting myself is that my gay identity is as innate and God-given a feeling as my feelings of faith, and I am not the whole me without both.” These blogs are filled with stories of how they reconcile faith and sexual identity. In their writings they share about it in relationship to scripture, God, and others. Even before that, there is a relationship with a self, where a personal 38
responsibility is granted before taking on the journey. In summary, these writers construct Queer Christian Identity through the following symbolic resources of scripture and their relationships with God and people. This leads to the next question. RQ2: How do LGBT Christians affirm their identity discursively? The Power of Choice- Responsibility A theme that stood out was the moment of choice. Something had to be done, and these individuals set out to do it. This it, was finding a reconciling place of queer and faith. It wasn’t going to happen by hiding, it was happening by becoming “authentic” and “speaking the truth.” The truth about identity. With no place to speak about and develop their social identity they are silenced, and the importance of their voice becomes imminent to the wholeness that is sought. Consider the following. P 12: “At some point it all became too much. Reading stories, hearing news reports, experiencing the hurt behind the eyes of so many LGBTQ people of all ages. At some point I made a choice to stand up; a choice to be heard. At some point enough was enough. Something had to be said.” P 22: “It was in those moments when I came to realize that I was going to have to take my spirituality on by myself. If I truly wanted to maintain the relationship with God that I had spent so much time developing, I was going to have to work on it personally, since culturally it wasn’t easy for me to fit in.” P 9: “Four years of shame and guilt had passed. Almost every time I prayed, I would cry out to my Father asking him to change me. When my mom found a well hidden book full of shirtless guys in my bedroom, I was faced with a choice. Her direct question was a crossroads: I could claim that I had the book because I was interested in getting fit, after all, that was its subject, and my mother’s concern could be resolved. I could continue hiding. Or, I could tell the truth.” P 14: I remember sitting back in my chair and asking myself what I was doing there. In that moment, my paradigm shifted. It ceased to be about whether or not it was okay to be gay, and it became about what it is to live a life that is honest and authentic. I didn’t know what the future held for me at that point, but I knew that everything had changed for me in that moment. 39
P 19: It’s difficult for some to understand, but just as I cannot change my sexual orientation, I cannot simply change my beliefs. Granted, there are definite differences with that comparison, as my sexual orientation is not something I have chosen and my religion is something that I have. Yet thus far my spiritual journey has made my religious beliefs align the closest with the Seventh-day Adventist church. I have intellectually reached my theological belief system, and I cannot simply leave my faith due to one disagreeing theological issue. Nevertheless, this one issue has become a deciding factor. My religious beliefs and my sexuality have left me metaphorically homeless on both sides. Each man came to a place where they had to choose. No longer could they live between cultures, or in silence with feelings of shame and denial. Something had to happen, they would have to choose to accept their queerness, and it was at this turning point where each individual found a personal responsibility that was the driving force for their journey. P 15: For years I’ve let people mentally beat me up for being gay. And, I also used to beat myself up over it. I cannot live like that anymore. I don’t live like that anymore. Through this blog and the attention over my visit to the White House, I’ve had people praise me and I’ve also had people beat me up through online comments. Am I surprised that many of them are Christians? Sadly, no. For some reason, people feel compelled to tell gay people they’re going to hell. Some people want to share how disgusted they are with the thought of “gay sex.” They want to call me names and try so hard to make me feel bad about myself. P 21: I found myself with the decision to free myself or not. To embrace who I was or who I thought I was supposed to be. Easy choice. When I considered these things, and realized that as an adult I am free to live my life in any way, whether it’s “Gay” enough or not, I felt my eyes had opened for the first time again. Just like years before, when I was finally free to fly with the wings I had been given, I felt an immense freedom. Just think about it... my partner somewhere out there just might be a woman, and now I’m ALLOWED to find her.
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The choice to take on accepting their queer identities was pivotal to their exploration of the process toward affirming that identity. With both sides of the conversation rejecting the other, the choice to find freedom in affirmation was necessary for the construction of an affirming view of the Queer Christian Identity. While there were many facets and turning points along the journey, studying scriptures, and personal encounters with God and people were common among all the writers. These communicative experiences were integral to their process of finding acceptance, and an affirming position of self as it related to reconciling their faith and sexuality. In a culture that was flooded with messages that would keep them on the outside, these individuals took a personal responsibility to dig into the conversation and the scriptures that made up that conversation. The Power of Study (relationship to religious texts) As these individuals started to go through the journey of reconciliation their struggle was against the conversation in the church as it related to scriptural texts, and their understandings. From the pulpit, in Sunday school classes, home fellowship groups, and other gatherings of Christian culture, the same message was being presented, and that message was not coming from people that they identified with. P 6: “Too often our churches don't include LGBT people in their conversations: Church, if your conversation about loving the LGBT community is being led only by straight cis men - you're doing it wrong.” P 14: “Over the next few months, I would take the steps to separate myself from my church. I knew that I needed to leave, but I also knew that I needed to keep my reasons for doing so to myself. I knew that my church community, at the time, would not be supportive of me asking the kinds of questions that I was wrestling with. Once I had parted from my church, I began the long 41
process of discerning what the future held for me. I began looking for that answer in books. I wanted someone to just give me the answer.” Recognizing that the conversation is/has been lead by straight men it was necessary for the individuals of this study to take an active role in the discovery of the answers to their questions of identity. These individuals have sat silently in church long enough, and they know that the questions they have about identity and how it relates to scripture will not be accepted in their religious communities. Participant 14 shared about how after leaving the church he was able to begin the process of looking at how he would relate to the world. It isn’t that these writers are giving up their religious faith; they were more so losing faith in the structure that supported their beliefs. There is a discrepancy between the dialogue the ‘Christians’ were peddling, and the scriptures they were using to support their message. P 16: “I never lost my faith in God, but I had lost my faith in Christians. The more I studied, the more I came to understand the true depths of God’s love.” P 15: “Some Christians like to try to put me and the LGBT community to shame, but they will turn the other cheek to the immoral sexual acts of heterosexuals. I don’t let it get to me. Why? How? Because I won’t let the few ignorant people out there distract me from God and practicing my faith. None of us in the LGBT community should be ashamed of who we are or be ashamed of being Catholic.” P 17: “I spent the majority of my life to date trying to reconcile my feelings and attractions with what I was taught about Scripture.” These individuals spent time and effort going through the scriptures, tuning out the voices of “the few ignorant people out there” and uncovering for themselves the true meaning of the scriptures. This journey through study was about reconciling 42
what they were taught and accepted as truth, with what they were experiencing. It took years for some to ‘toil’ with the scriptures and struggle to come to terms with their own theologies. P 4: “And slowly, ever so slowly, it began to sink into my heart. I had never studied for myself what the Bible says about homosexuality. My coming out would have happened years earlier if I had only studied the Bible for myself. Even though I had graduated from Bible college, had been in the ministry for 12 years, had led many souls to Christ, had helped start and lead churches, had read the Bible time after time, that spring and summer of 1989, I began to read and pray over and study the so called “clobber passages” for the first time in my life. My coming out journey only ended successfully because I accepted responsibility for studying the "clobber passages" for myself.” One writer acknowledges that his journey only ended after he accepted a personal responsibility for studying the clobber passages. He goes on to say that the scriptures, did not say the same things he had been told in his church community. The struggle to reconcile was more about reconciling their sexuality with the teachings about the Bible and what it “said about being gay.” The scriptures become this integral part to the relationship of identity for the individual. For it speaks about identity, which would speak to why these individuals had the experience of themselves change as they studied the scriptures more. P 16: “I have always said that these Sunday posts were my own personal bible studies but that I posted them for those who wanted to study with me. My faith has grown stronger because of these bible studies. I never lost my faith in God, but I had lost my faith in Christians. The more I studied, the more I came to understand the true depths of God’s love. Homosexuality cannot be a sin because love cannot be a sin. Love is not exclusive to opposite sex couples, but to all people regardless of gender. I also came to realize that those people who preach hate are not Christians at all because they do not follow God.” P 2: “In the end, I decided that I needed to be consistent in my approach to the Bible: whatever standards I used for deciding this needed to be the same standards I would take to other issues. I spent years prayerfully studying how 43
Jesus and the New Testament writers used Scripture, what the Bible has to say about the nature of sin in general, Jesus' teachings about the law and the Sabbath, Paul's teachings on sexual morality and marriage, and how the early church resolved controversial issues of their day. The more I studied, the more convinced I became that we Christians had applied a different standard to the homosexuality texts than we had to other Scriptural texts, and that condemning Christ-centered relationships solely based on gender was actually inconsistent with biblical teaching.” P 22: “Trust me, I know the doctrine regarding homosexuality. I believe in and have great respect for Temple marriage. Growing up gay I can assure you that I have invested much more time, attention, thought, and prayer on the subject than many of my straight counterparts.” One of the participants points out that his investment into scripture was more than most of the straight Christians that surrounded him. As they struggle against culture, they are uncovering new meaning for what it means to be LGBTQ and Christian. They are uncovering new meaning that is coming directly from the source of scripture and not influenced by the conversation that has been traditionally accepted. P 10: “I have been a Christian all my life, born to a minister, my faith has been a strong foundation in my life. I have also been gay all my life and knew at the age of six that I was different. By ten I had been taught those differences were fatal flaws that I must conceal at all costs. I grew up under the influence of your interpretation of scriptures and believed that being gay and being a Christian were mutually exclusive.” P 10: “There was a time when I thought being gay and being religious were mutually exclusive. After all the Bible clearly condemns homosexuality... Or does it? Many Christians will ask the question "Would God create a person he would condemn to hell?" Most people say no. Then they will point out that since the Bible clearly condemns homosexuality, then God didn't create homosexuals. But they forget the other leg of the logic - IF GOD DOES CREATE HOMOSEXUALS THEN HE DOESN'T CONDEMN THEM AND THE BIBLE IS BEING MISINTERPRETED. Now I know it's a shock that the Bible might be misinterpreted (this is irony folks). But I have been on a close walk with God all my life. I grew up the son of a minister. I read and research.” 44
This writer points out that growing up in an environment that was influenced by an interpretation of scriptures left him believing “that being gay and being a Christian were mutually exclusive.” This writer knowing he was different had no access to discovering himself in this conversation led by straight men. Misguided and no longer trusting this false dichotomy, he turned to scripture to research this for him. One of the writers explains this process of looking for the answers and not just accepting what is being spoken about as a Christian duty. He backs this up with a quote from the Book of Matthew 7:13-14, “Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few” (2004). P 16: “Anyone who has ever been a social outcast, those of us who walk to the beat of our own drum, we are going through the narrow gate. Gay Christians always choose the narrow gate. We are usually not only unpopular with other Christians but also unpopular in the LGBT community. For many people who claim to be Christians, they take the easier path and condemn homosexuality but ignore many of the passages surrounding the clobber passages they throw at us. Also, many in the LGBT community turn away from God. They see God as allowing their persecution by people who claim to follow Him. Neither is anymore right or wrong than the other, but both are equally wrong. It puts gay Christians in a very unpopular position, and one that causes many struggles. While we may not be accepted easily by either group, we must continue our faith. Jesus tells us that as Christians we cannot look for shortcuts to God. He tells us that the market is flooded with surefire, easygoing formulas for a successful life that can be practiced in your spare time, but we can’t fall for the easy way out, even though crowds of people do. We cannot change our sexual orientation as Christians claim we can, nor can we turn away from God as many in the LGBT community do. The way to a fulfilled life and to God is vigorous and requires total attention.”
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This writer shares that the path is not easy, and it shouldn’t be. Taking the easier path is not what is expected of Christians. He goes on to write how people choose the easy way of understanding, and look for shortcuts to handle their fear an uncertainty and don’t take to the task of being vigorously attentive to studying the Word of God, the scriptures. He states that this type of understanding of the bible leaves the foundation of its assumptions with nothing to stand on and not able to handle pressures. He says that it is through taking this journey, and sticking to a narrow, unpopular path, that he will find the acceptance that he is looking for. The theological conversation in which these individuals find themselves immersed in is weak, and it is these queer individuals that are pointing out the weakness. Noticing that that through their journey, they are finding arguments against the current culture. No longer being silenced by the straight majority leading the conversation, they are able to bring new light to these scriptures, and how they have been represented in Christian culture. The Power of Relationship (with God, with people) The journey for all of these men was an inquiry into identity. Stuck between cultures, with no prototype to turn to, these men studied scripture, and relied on their personal relationship with God to find the answers they were searching for. One blog writer titles his work “Following Christ” speaking to the relationship that Christians have, through this relationship with God that these men develop their identity roles and social cues from the ways in which they relate to God.
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P 1: “At 18, I finally grew to realize that there was a word for guys who are only attracted to guys, and that that word was “gay.” I looked into therapy to change my attractions, but discovered that it didn’t work. That started me on a journey of trying to figure out what God wanted for my life.” P 11: “I used to hate being gay. I thought it was an illness, a curse. I know some people think that, but I did, I was convinced I must have done something terribly wrong to be gay. But when you are loved and accepted by others AS a gay person it’s much easier to come to terms with it. Perhaps being an LGBT person is actually something beautiful, something different, perhaps God is, as Rob, the vicar says “more interested in what you do with your money”. Jesus, died for all of us, he, placed HIS price on us, his own life. Even if we are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, trans or straight. He still loves us, whatever.” P 22: “I have come to find that while my place within the organized church may differ from the norm, my personal relationship with God can and will remain firm if I choose to continue to strengthen it. It’s mine, and it is something no one can take away from me.” For some they are looking for acceptance from God, looking for reassurance, or another sign that they are on the right path. These men as they turn to God, they speak about moments where they look for God to respond to their prayers. For these people hearing the voice of God speak is just as important as reading scripture. P 15: “This morning I went to Church. As I prayed before mass began, I asked God, “Am I doing what you want? Do you want me to be here and sharing my story with others? Can I have another sign that this is what you want of me?” P 10: “I shouldn’t have to tell you that Christianity is about love, not logic; it’s about faith in things unseen and acts that cannot be understood, not words written in virtual stone; it’s about openness to new revelations not closed mindedness; and it’s about compassion and caring for the Samaritan not crossing to the other side of the road. And it is thanks to your work and those of you ilk that I am derided by my fellow gays as I am by many Christians. But I fear that your focus on me has made you myopic towards your own sins of false pride, intolerance, fomenting hatred, slander, abuse of trust, driving away God’s children and even idolatry of the perfection of the Bible. Recall that Christ told us he would send a comforter in the form of the Holy Spirit. He said nothing about sending the Bible. Yet I cry at the thousands of homosexuals that people like yourselves are driving out of the church and alienating from God. I deal with it every day as I try to repair the damage and bring these souls back to a loving God.” 47
To be a Christian, is more of a relational experience than just logic, looking toward faith “not words written in virtual stone.” The same scriptures that point out ways of living for Christ’s followers, also position this Christ character as saying that his Spirit would guide them, and “said nothing about sending the bible.” To these men, who have been clobbered by scriptures and the people who have been using them, they have to rely on this internal relationship with Christ. There is a communicative relationship with God. The writers create this relationship by writing statements such as “God spoke to me,” God responds, He teaches, He loves. Throughout there passages there are interactions that point to a communicative exchange between the individual and God. P 10: “But when my denial of myself grew to the point of destroying both myself and my beloved wife, God spoke to me. He asked me a very simple question – why am I ashamed of the wonderful man he has created in me? God taught me how to love myself and more importantly how to get past the unproductive slavery of shame and get to work for him.” P 15: “As mass began I stood there smiling. I was in awe. Someone went out of her way to make me feel welcomed. That was God’s response to my prayer and so were today’s readings.” P 11: Jesus, died for all of us, he, placed HIS price on us, his own life. Even if we are gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, trans or straight. He still loves us, whatever. P 4: “I cried out to God for answers. The conversation went something like this. “Lord, I am so discouraged right now I’m ready to quit. You watched me sink into despair. You watched me battle loneliness and struggle with depression all those years. Why didn’t you tell me its okay to be gay? Why didn’t you let me know that years ago?” And like a still small voice, God answered me. “What does my word say about homosexuality?” "It says its abomination Lord. It condemns me.” “Does it really? Is that what you think it says?” the Lord asked. “I’m not asking what you were taught” He continued. “What you were taught has made you miserable for twenty years. I’m asking, “What does My word actually say?” And slowly, ever so slowly, it began to sink into my heart.” 48
Those hearing from God are able to let go of shame, and even taught to love themselves. Asking for signs from God is one way that people saw this connection. In the blog written by Aaron, a Gay Catholic-Christian who got media attention when he was asked to visit the White House, he gives the script to how this is played out. In prayer during a church service he asked, “Can I have another sign that this is what you want of me?” He goes on to write that the response came not only from the scripture readings that happened during the church service, but through a woman sitting in a pew next to him who recognized him as the man she had seen on television and related her happiness for his presence. These two encounters left him with feelings of awe and recognition that this “was God’s response to my prayer.” Through communion with other people of faith, this man was able to find the answers that he sought. The founder of the Gay Christian Network, talks about creating an online safe space for people to have these conversations. With nowhere to turn to he created this third space between cultures where men could explore this journey together. P 2: “As I turned to my church and the Christians I respected most to get their support, things only got worse. Christian groups kicked me out or turned their backs on me when they learned that I was gay, even though I told them that I didn't want to be and that I hadn't even acted on my feelings! I learned that that one magic word, "gay," had the power to make Christians turn unkind and uncompassionate without even realizing they were doing it. That was the realization that led me to create a safe space on the internet for people who want to live out their faith and explore these difficult questions, even if they come to conclusions that are different from my own. That's where The Gay Christian Network came from.” 49
In his journey, this following participant was led to an ex-gay group to help him find answers to reconcile these two separate parts of him. It was at one of these groups where he had his turning point. P 14: “As I began to get to know these men better, I was struck by how truly broken their lives were in other ways. Many of them were married and had children, the things that I thought would make me feel complete. A fair number of them, both single and married, were still looking for and finding ways to connect with other men. Finally, after a couple of months of attending the group, the moment that broke me arrived. One of the men broke down sobbing when it was his turn to share. It took him a bit before he could speak, but, when he finally did he shared with us that he had been sexually intimate with his wife earlier that week. For those of us in the group, this should have sounded like a good thing, but he was clearly troubled by it. He went on to explain that they only way that he’d been able to do so was by fantasizing about another man. In that moment, something snapped inside. I remember sitting back in my chair and asking myself what I was doing there. In that moment, my paradigm shifted. It ceased to be about whether or not it was okay to be gay, and it became about what it is to live a life that is honest and authentic. I didn’t know what the future held for me at that point, but I knew that everything had changed for me in that moment.” Hearing the stories of men, trying to change their sexual orientation, through religious practices, was enough to evoke this passion. As one man shared about having sex with his wife, he watched as most of the group was happy. Happy that some quantifiable change had been made, the man broke down in tears, ashamed of the fact that he had to think of a man throughout the process, and not his wife. It was then that the observer, made the choice to become honest, and authentic. Embracing the queer identity is seen here in this relationship to self in the presence of others who are LGBTQ and Christian, whether those are affirming or not. As this group of people with a common feature get together new relationships form, and new relationships to identity. The next participant writes about meeting a gay 50
couple at age 29, and it had never occurred to him that gay men could live lives happily married. P 4: “My secular career took me to New York City in the winter of 1989. There, for the first time in my life, I met a happily married gay couple. It was an astonishing revelation! Ray and Rich had been together for eleven years at the time I met them. They loved each other, owned a home together and were happily partnered. And they offered me their friendship and the hospitality of their home. Meeting Ray and Rich, a happily partnered gay couple, re-started my quest to discover for myself what the Bible really says about homosexuality. I think my coming out journey actually began here. I was 39 years old and until I met Ray and Rich, it had never occurred to me that two men or two women could get married and spend their lives together. It sounds so dumb to write that now but honestly, that had never occurred to me before. My coming out was the furthest thing from my mind when I travelled to New York yet God was at work behind the scenes.” As LGBTQ Christian men get together new relationships to identity emerge. Elias Cruz quotes Richard Rohr “those at the edge of any system and those excluded from any system ironically and invariably hold the secret for the conversion and wholeness of that very group.” Gathering those in this between space together to create their own space, new culture can emerge, and new relationship to identity. A Queer Conversation will save us RQ3: What is being accomplished in the discourse? Finding a new place among LGBTQ Christians provided a space to be seen and be heard, and to find the commonalities of this queer identity. For wholeness and acceptance to be found these men had to bridge the gaps between faith and sexuality. It was here that they could embrace both sides, and accept that they were both LGBTQ and Christian.
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P 22: “My fun-loving and happy personality became sunken and burdened under the weight of the impossible task of “straightening” myself out. In trying to fill my metaphorical half-empty cup with spirituality, I diluted my real identity and refashioned myself into someone different than the man God created. I suppose this may sound blasphemous to some, but what I have come to find since accepting myself is that my gay identity is as innate and Godgiven a feeling as my feelings of faith, and I am not the whole me without both.” P 6: “Being an LGBT Christian isn't always the easiest life — not with the loudest Christians being aggressively anti-LGBT. Yet many of us have reconciled our various identities of faith, gender, and sexuality.” P 15: “Who am I? I’m a gay Catholic doing the best I can to reconcile my life with God and my church. Please don’t beat me up for it. See, the Lord GOD is my help. Who will prove me wrong? My name is Aaron Jay Ledesma. I’m from Houston, Texas. I’m Catholic. I’m gay. I’m me.” The previous writer states that he is “a gay catholic” trying to reconcile his life with God and the church community, which he discuses as being able to practice the rituals of his faith, in a community that will accept him. He, through his relationship with God in prayer and scripture, will not allow their version of identity avowal to over ride them as he sees them as a “few ignorant people” using this blog as a platform to share his story with others in the LGBTQ community. He wants to share a message that has a queer understanding of what it means to be LGBTQ and Christian. His message, like the others, is echoed in some of the messages from Eliel Cruz’s blog on tweets that show what it’s like being a Queer Christian. This quote pulls together the different parts of this discourse on identity. P 6: "First of all, we exist." "To reconcile our faith and our sexuality is a process." "Many of us go to seminary with no hope of getting ordained." "Too often our churches don’t include LGBTQ people in their conversations." "But we stick around and point out crappy theology." "And to live our truth because we worship a God who transcends gender and sexuality." "One who is based in love.” 52
The people in this discourse state that there is an authentic true self, but the conditions of the true self need to be reconfigured. Discourses that separate LGBTQ and Christian identities do not work, and queer identities can not authentically exist in a conversation that is led by straight men. Inside the Christian vs. LGBTQ dichotomy the Queer Christian Identity is silenced. For an authentic construction of these queer identities to emerge, conversation must open up to include these voices. As the Queer Christian chooses to take on the process of going against culture to find this voice, their relationship to the seemingly rigid cultural boundaries shift. The Queer Christian emerges in and through the process of active engagement with scripture, people and God. This process of finding an affirming view, is what it means to be an LGBTQ Christian.
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