better parent, a better friend, a better teacher, or a better spouse, we have to ...
Instead of complaining that we need a different mirror, the Budokon system ...
THE 3RD PILLAR OF BUDOKON:
RELATIONSHIPS
INTRODUCTION Wealth, fame, success, the perfect car, or the perfect “Whenever your relationship is not working, physique – what value do these things really have if whenever it brings out the ‘madness’ in you and in we don’t have people in our lives to share them your partner, be glad. What was unconscious is with? As humans, we all want to be loved and ac- being brought up to the light. It is an opportunity cepted and many of us spend our lives searching for for salvation. “ people who will love and accept us unconditionally. ! ! ! ! –Eckhart Tolle Yet why do so many of us fail to find what we are ! ! ! ! The Power of Now so desperately seeking? With 50% of all marriages in America ending in divorce, tense relationships and job dissatisfaction at work, dividing social hierarchies at school, and dysfunctional family dynamics at home, it seems the odds are stacked against us. But the truth is, every single one of us has the power to create joyful, harmonious, and lasting relationships. We simply need a good road map to help guide the way. What behaviors, beliefs, and patterns have been obstructing our path? In order to become a better boss, a better parent, a better friend, a better teacher, or a better spouse, we have to uncover the limiting patterns that have been holding us back from creating more fulfilling, successful relationships. LOOK INTO THE MIRROR “Our most intimate relationships are a road map for discovering our deep underlying patterns, which stand between us and the truth,” says Dr. Waller. Relationships are mirrors. When we look deeply, they often reveal our own ego mind – that hurt, angry, fearful, five-year-old staring back at us. The lack of a relationship can also be a mirror. If you’re not in a relationship, is it because the pain of loneliness is less than the pain of closeness? Instead of complaining that we need a different mirror, the Budokon system teaches us to see our own reflection with true clarity. IDENTIFYING OUR PATTERNS Our deepest underlying patterns emerge from our temperament, which is a part of our basic biology. Our temperament is a genetic blueprint that orients us toward objects, people, stimuli, and circumstances and determines how we interact with them. These basic patterns become reinforced during our early childhood development and eventually become the unconscious and unquestioned force that controls our adult lives. FIGHT OR FLIGHT As babies, we are all born with the innate preference for either approach or withdrawal when stimulated. This fight or flight reaction is a primitive survival strategy that is controlled by our Limbic System. Studies have shown that the brains of people whose initial reaction favored “fight” survival strategies (approach, attack, and predatory activity) are noticeably different than the brains of people who inclined toward “flight” survival strategies (withdrawal, avoidance, seeking safety, shutting up, and shutting down.) Researchers call this fight or flight instinct our “initial reaction” and classify it as one of the nine different categories of our temperament (See Side Bar for the different temperament categories). Our initial reaction more than any other temperament category, helps us to understand how and why we behave the way we do and is thus the key to uncovering our limiting patterns.
TEMPERAMENT Researchers tell us that temperament can be broken down into nine different categories: 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) 8) 9)
Activity Regularity Intensity Mood Persistence and Attention Span Distractibility Sensitivity Adaptability Initial Reaction
ATTACHMENT Our “fight” or “flight” response is strengthened in our early formative years and becomes our guide as we develop strategies to get our physical and emotional needs met. As infants, we all go through a vital development process called attachment (or bonding). Attachment is a behavioral control system that is instinctive in infants designed to assist them in attracting a caregiver to insure their survival. Babies use an innate system of facial expressions, noises, reaching, pointing, etc with the primary purpose of getting their physical needs met. In addition to basic survival needs such as food, water and shelter, infants also require that certain emotional and attachment needs be met in order to survive. A child not held, nurtured, and attended to can develop a condition called “failure to thrive,” which can result in weight loss and ultimately death.
CHILDHOOD TRAUMA The parallel operation of our explicit (hippocampal) and implicit (amygdalic) memory systems explains why we do not remember traumas experienced very early in our lives. At that age, the hippocampus is still immature, while the amygdala is already able to record unconscious memories. Early childhood traumas can disturb the mental and behavioral functions of adults by mechanisms that they cannot access consciously.
According to Dr. Waller, the two primary emotional needs we seek from our caregivers is safety or approval. Since the Neocortex has not begun wiring yet, the “problem” of finding safety or approval is played out in the Limbic System. As we grow and become influenced by social learning, the Limbic System creates two main defensive strategies for getting our needs of safety and approval met. Those two defensive strategies are fear and anger. This strategy becomes wired into this primitive part of our brain, setting up a pattern that most of us will follow for the rest of our lives. The process of attachment is most critical during the first three years of life. The infant uses the attachment figure, usually the mother as a secure base from which to explore and internally pattern the world. It is this first primary relationship experienced by infants that leads to either a “secure” or “insecure” attachment style. Infants raised in loving, stable environments typically develop “secure” attachment styles. While infants raised in abusive, unstable, or stressful environments develop “insecure” attachment styles. Statistics show that 60% of children are securely attached, while 40% of children have an insecure attachment style, which will make intimate relationships as they mature more difficult. The experience of this primary relationship and the attachment pattern we establish as an infant becomes the unconscious roadmap for all future relationships. Without a healthy first experience of self-in-relationship, a person will have a reservoir of fear and anger that, when activated by an “attachment crisis” can be directed at any current attachment figure (boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, etc). As adults, we will act out our childhood survival strategies metaphorically in relationships, especially intimate ones because the limbic system thinks we’re back in our original relationship with mom or dad. As Dr. Waller says, “Marriage, quite simply is a ritualistic reenactment of our first social relationship formed at around four years of age.” Even in our careers, these patterns will be the organizing principles of our lives. LION & UNICORN In our program, we use the term “Lion” and “Unicorn” to define the two very distinct temperament types we all fall into. They represent two different models of how we live in our heads. These patterns are basic to our nature and our early experiences of nurture and are the most unconscious patterns we carry in the ego-mind. Ironically, they are also the most powerful forces at work in our most intimate relationships. The easiest way to discover whether you are a Lion or Unicorn is to look at your initial reaction of fight or flight. Those who are predisposed toward “fight” survival strategies are Lions and those who are predisposed toward “flight” strategies are Unicorns. It is important to note that this preference for either approach or withdrawal, like all inborn traits, exists on a continuum. In other words, not all of us when aroused, approach or withdraw with the same eagerness or intensity, but we do all have an inborn preference for one or the other. Basically you can be a ferocious lion or a tame lion. But either way, you are still a lion. Now, let’s take a look at these two creatures more carefully.
THE LION King of the jungle, hunter, powerful, ferocious, flesh-eater. Lions live in “prides” and are social animals. Even the adult male is affectionate with his own offspring. As affectionate as they are, when they are aroused their roar can be heard more than three miles away. This is a warning to intruders to stay away from their territory. Lions like hunting in the morning when the day is coolest. They are creatures of the sun. They live in grasslands, in sparse forests on the edge of the plains. THE UNICORN Unicorns, on the other hand, are mythical creatures. They are powerful horses, and they have the tail of a lion showing to all that when called on they can fight like a lion. Their fierce-looking yet beautiful horn can be a weapon or an adornment. Unicorns, creatures of the night, live in an enchanted forest hidden by thick stands of trees and overgrown brush. When the moon is full, they may step out into the clearing to commune with other animals that are as gentle as they are. They want someone safe and warm to nuzzle. But they won’t allow themselves to be ridden. They bolt and disappear into the forest rather than face open conflict. OPPOSITES ATTRACT Understanding the Lion/Unicorn model and being able to identify ourselves as one or the other is crucial if we want to have more successful and fulfilling relationships. According to Dr. Waller about 80-90% of all intimate relationships are Lion / Unicorn pairings. This finding holds true in both heterosexual and homosexual relationships as well as arranged marriages (parents intuitively pair up opposites). It is important to note however, that this does not mean Lion/Lion pairings or Unicorn/Unicorn pairings cannot work, it simply says that as a species we tend to gravitate toward a partner who is our opposite temperament type. Being confronted with our opposite can allow us to experience our greatest growth. CHARACTERISTICS OF A LION • Anxious / preoccupied about close relationships • Pursue for an emotional connection • Feel shamed by perceived rejection • Use anger to remove perceived obstacles • Take things personally • Predatory • Want to be seen for accomplishments • Approval seekers *Note that these characteristics are not hard and fast rules, they merely serve as good general guidelines. There are positive qualities to both the Lion and Unicorn but we focus here on the areas that need the most improvement in order to facilitate change and healing. CHARACTERISTICS OF A UNICORN Myths of the Lion & Unicorn • Threatened by Closeness • Use avoidance to escape pursuit Myth #1: Lions are typically male and • Do not like exposure and not motivated toward insight work Unicorns are female. • Tend not to see things as personal • Use victim/prey strategies Myth #2: Lions are extroverts and • Flees from conflict rather than fight ! Unicorns are introverts. • Safety seekers Myth #3: Unicorns never show ! aggression.
LANGUAGE OF THE LION & UNICORN Lions use terms like: • Feeling rejected • Unacceptable • Unloved • Unappreciated • Disrespected • Unimportant
Unicorns use terms like: • Overwhelmed • Anxious • Uncomfortable • Unfair • Pressured • Nervous
PAIN LION
UNICORN
We all carry pain. What if there were two basic kinds of pain in a relationship?
DEFENSES UNICORN
LION
We all get defensive. What if there are two basic defenses that we see in our close relationships?
THE DANCE OF THE LION & UNICORN
The “dance” is a self-perpetuating system. Our limbic system keeps us addicted to the struggle and we persistently do what isn’t working in the hopes that things will be different (first-order thinking). INTERRUPTING OUR PATTERNS Once we know how to spot our patterns, we can take steps to eliminate them. The simplest way of doing this is by simply interrupting the pattern. When something triggers you and you begin to feel fear or shame, make the conscious choice to eliminate the defensive behavior pattern (avoidance or anger) that usually follows. Try to tap into Witness Consciousness by observing your thoughts and feelings as they are happening. When we can observe ourselves, we open up the space to create different behaviors. For Lions, the next time you are in an argument and you know your pattern is to get angry, instead of lashing out, take a few deep breaths and observe the “five-minute silent rule,” meaning keep your mouth shut for five minutes. This gives you time to cool off and cuts down on the possibility of you carelessly hurting the other person with your words while you are in reaction mode. Use these five-minutes to think about what it was that really triggered you – what meaning have you attached to the situation and what perceptions and beliefs are you holding on to? Are these beliefs a reflection of reality? Will holding on to them increase your suffering? Can letting go of them ease your suffering? If you are a Unicorn and you know your pattern is to avoid, resist the temptation to run away during conflict. Instead stay committed to working the problem out. Better yet, go to your partner and give them a big hug. They certainly won’t be expecting that! By interrupting your pattern, you can often get your partner to interrupt theirs as well. Interrupting our patterns is hard work and is often easier said then done. We can use the simple four-step Conflict Resolution Process below to help guide the way. By making a conscious and consistent effort, you will find results.
THE CONFLICT RESOLUTION PROCESS 1. Validation 2. Responsibility 3. Acceptance 4. Asking for our needs to be met
“We first make our habits, and then our habits make us.” ! ! ! ! - John Dryden
Step 1: Validation First we must validate the other person’s feelings. We basically say, “You have a right to your feelings and given your perception, your feelings are valid.” Step 2: Responsibility We must then take responsibility for our reactions and feelings and understand that they are about us. Feelings arise from perceptions that support the instinctive view of reality we developed in childhood, based on our earliest survival needs. Until we realize that our reactions are about us, and that they tell us nothing about anyone else, we will never find freedom from suffering. Step 3: Acceptance We must then accept that we cannot control another person’s response. We must accept that both parties are in defensive mode and there is no guarantee that the situation can be calmly diffused. But the goal of acceptance is to create space for different choices. Step 4: Asking for our needs to be met Finally we ask the other person for help with our feelings and the emotional needs that go with them. The Magic Phrase Keeping the four-step process above in mind, try using this phrase the next time you find yourself about to engage in an argument: “I hear what you are saying. Your feelings are valid. The problem isn’t your behavior, the problem is my reaction to your behavior, which comes from my feeling. Will you help me with my feeling?” This method opens up space for the other person to make a different choice, but it can be difficult if your partner is already triggered. If you don’t get a compassionate response, shift your focus to the fact that you have actively made a different and better choice today! Because the one guarantee is that if don’t break your pattern and use a defense instead, you will reinforce the circular problem. The ultimate goal is that the adult brain of each person can look inside the other and see the other’s hurt child. When you each become aware of the others true feelings, the natural response is compassion. Compassion is the key to intimacy. THE CONFLICT EQUATION
THE HEALING EQUATION
Pain + Defense = A Counterattack
Pain - Defense = A Compassionate Response
When we defend our pain with anger or avoidance, it always looks like an attack to the other person. So they respond with a counterattack.
When we’re willing to express our pain in an authentic way without defending, we open the possibility for a compassionate response.
5 STEPS TO A HAPPY RELATIONSHIP: 1. Make your relationships a top priority. Don’t let your relationships take a back seat to the pressures of everyday life – work, paying the bills, taking care of the kids, etc. 2. Let go of the past and embrace each day as a new possibility. View each day as a clean slate – a new opportunity to grow and strengthen your emotional connection. 3. Let go of being “right.” Try to see things from the other person’s perspective. There can be no compassion while you are still on the defensive. 4. Interrupt your limiting patterns and create new empowering patterns. 5. Tell the people in your life how much you love and appreciate them, every single day!
