SURVIVAL GUIDE - Your Teen for Parents

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Holiday S U RV I VA L G U I D E

Your Teen Media provides parenting advice for parents of teenagers. To order a subscription of the quarterly print magazine, go to www.yourteenmag.com. For more information, contact [email protected].

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SURVIVING THE

HOLIDAYS SETTING REALISTIC EXPECTATIONS We want our holidays to be “perfect” and when they’re not, it can be disappointing. I think the big thing is not to have those expectations and, actually, the expectation you should have is that it’s going to be kind of crazy. There are going to be high points and low points. You are not going to please everyone. Therefore do what you feel is right so you can walk away saying, “I think I put on a good time.” If you think your holiday is going to be perfect, you will be disappointed. It’s not going to be. So lower your expectations and have more flexibility and patience around this time of year. The pressure for perfection. Those words sum it up for me. Does anyone really have a Norman Rockwell holiday season? Or a moment long enough to take a photo? Today I started wrapping gifts. I no longer use the nicest, heavy weight paper, and every package doesn’t have ribbons and bows. Today my mother also began hospice care, so I know our holidays will not be a celebration, they will not be perfect, and there will be pressure. But, we will support each other, with tears and memories, through the loss of the only grandmother my children have ever known. – Melissa Keenan, Chagrin Falls, Ohio

On social media, it can feel like everyone is having a “perfect” holiday? Some people are very honest on social media and some, as we know, are not. You have to take it all with a grain of salt. You have to know that every family has their own issues. Sometimes they come out whenever and sometimes they come out during the holidays. To believe that all your friends are having the best time ever is totally false. Just remind yourself that when you get together with your friends after the holidays, everyone has a story.

It can be hard when our teenagers aren’t appreciative? Ask yourself in advance, “What am I looking for?” Are you looking for a thank you? Are you looking for them to help you out around the house? If they don’t do that already and it’s important to you, then I would say to them: “When you get a gift from Grandpa, even if you don’t like it, please say ‘thank you’ because that’s the nice thing to do. It’s the thought that counts.” If you’re having a party at your house, you can say, “This is what I need from you.” Maybe it’s housework or helping with the guests. Whatever it is, I would do that a day or two before the event because they may be making plans. But, yes, let them know this is your expectation. “This is what I need you to do.” You shouldn’t just wait for your teenager to make the choice you’re happy with.

How do we manage so much family time? Think about it this way. During the rest of the year, you aren’t together all the time. So it’s okay to not be together all the time over the holidays. Especially with high school and college students, I would recommend you set up one activity a day – dinner or a board game or a movie, for example – but otherwise people can do as they please. The kids who are coming home from college, they want so see their friends. They do not want to hang out with the family for the most part. But there definitely has to be downtime for everyone because if you have the expectation that you’re all going to do everything together, that’s not going to go well.

Any advice for stress busters? Try not to overeat. Try not to let your kids stay up way too late, though that’s harder with college students. But being overtired really throws off people’s rhythms. Exercise. It blows out the stress of the day and makes you feel better. You can get people to go on a hike, go bowling, ice skating. But again, stick to one thing a day. There are going to be some people in the family who want to hang out all day and there will be others who don’t and if you pressure them, they’re just going to be annoyed and ruin a good time.

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SURVIVING THE

HOLIDAYS ALCOHOL USE DURING THE HOLIDAYS How should we handle alcohol this time of year? Drinking to excess is never a good idea. Things can get out of control quickly, with someone getting way too angry or saying things inappropriately or just looking drunk to your kids. None of the above is good modeling. You’re an adult. You’re allowed to have a drink and that’s fine. But the drink is really a small adjunct of the party. It’s not a focus.

How about allowing our teenagers to have a drink? I would err on the side of no here. That’s not a great message. Also, are there other adolescents at the party? If your teenager is allowed to have a drink, they will want one too. Is that okay with their parents? You are now going to have to be on top of your teenager’s drinking, in addition to everything else. You’re also opening a door, so what happens when it’s New Year’s or dad’s turning 50? Will your teenager be allowed a drink? I think you run into trouble that way.

GIFT GIVING

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

How can we approach gift giving between families, especially when some families can give more than others?

How can we make our holidays better?

Again, it’s about managing expectations. You  can say to your kids: We’re going to exchange gifts with our cousins but they can’t give the same type of gifts that we can. But, remember that they really care about us. It’s not about the size of the gift or the amount of the gift. You can also come up another way to show appreciation. For example, in my family, we’ve made chocolate truffles and given those to friends and extended family. It’s not that much in terms of money. And it was something we did together and the whole family got into. Now, it’s become a tradition.

You can say to yourself, “What worked last year and what didn’t work last year?” Then start to tweak what didn’t work, so it goes better this year. I think you are allowed to make changes. There’s always a feeling of, well, we’ve always done it this way. If it becomes toxic or a major problem, you don’t have to do it that way. It’s okay. The bottom line is that you and your family are important.

What about when my teenager feels jealous that his sister got better presents? Obviously, we try our best to be fair, but our teenagers don’t always see it that way. What you can then start to ask them is “What does it mean to you that you think your sister got a more expensive gift?” Ask them for the translation. The hope is you can have a conversation. For instance, it can be an opportunity to talk to your teen about his feelings around the favoritism issue that can crop up in any family. Scott Schlachter is a licensed clinical social worker specializing in adolescents. He has a private practice in Beachwood, Ohio, and is also on staff at Grand River Academy in Austinburg, Ohio.



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HOW TO MAKE

YOUR FAMILY GATHERING GREAT

(OR AT LEAST NOT AWFUL) We’ve all got one or two. Perhaps it’s a crazy uncle or an annoying sister-in-law. Maybe it’s an overbearing grandparent or out-of-control nephew. But whatever your family’s trouble spots, there are steps you can take to make sure your holiday gatherings go well. Your Teen caught up with Irene van der Zande, executive director of KidPower, to find out how.

Step 1:

Step 2:

Arm your teenagers with the same skills adults use to make nice in social situations. “It can be helpful to teach your teenager some boundary setting techniques,” explains van der Zande. For example, when a guest asks your teenager a rude or otherwise aggravating question – Did you gain some weight? Why would you major in that? You don’t have a job yet? – teach your teenager to change the subject graciously. “People will find things to pick on, but you can give your teenager permission to ignore intrusive questions. Tell your kids to smile and say, “I’d rather not talk about that. Let’s talk about . . .” and then redirect to another subject (make sure they’ve come up with a list in advance).

Let teens be teens. While we all want our teenagers to be polite and present at our gatherings, don’t set the bar too high. “You can’t expect them to be interested in the same things you are. You can expect them to make polite conversation for about an hour or so,” advises van der Zande. “Then allow them to go do their own thing and maybe everyone comes back together for dessert.”

Step 3: Embrace the mixed bag. “Make a picture for yourself that people are different. We have different values, different political beliefs, and so on. Be accepting of this mixed bag and teach your teenagers to do the same,” explains van der Zande. “It’s not our job to fix each other. Rather our goal should be to have time together when we can and get along as well as we can.”

Read more at www.kidpower.org/library/ article/make-family-gatherings-greatnot-awful/



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WHAT I HATE

ABOUT THE HOLIDAYS Yes, we did just use the words hate and holidays in the same sentence. That’s because as wonderful as this time of year can be, there are still things that get us down. Way down. Here’s what our readers told us they’d rather not deal with this season. 1. That my teenagers will be spending Christmas Day with my ex.

7. The time and money spent purchasing stuff we’ll mostly never use.

2. Trying to put together 24 gifts for the eight nights of Hanukkah.

8. The pressure to travel hours to see extended family when you just want to stay home and relax.

3. That everyone says “Merry Christmas” without stopping to think that not everyone celebrates Christmas. 4. I love all the delicious food, but I hate the guilt from eating it all. 5.

The excess gifts, not to mention the pressure to please everyone with the right gift. It’s turning into a holiday that is all about the presents rather than the true meaning of the holiday.

6.

Real Christmas trees! No one wants to help put the lights on – or take them off – so I want a fake tree where it’s all done for me.

9.

The incredible pressure to spend money on the latest, greatest, and newest tech item, so my children won’t be the “only ones” without it.

10. Trying to get everything done in order to make it a nice holiday for the family... all the shopping, wrapping, decorating, cooking. There is nothing worse than being too tired to enjoy the festivities!



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A DAD REFLECTS

ON TEACHING HIS SON

TO GIVE BACK Helping our teenagers see beyond the materialistic rewards of the holidays – yep, the presents – can be tough. For Mike Murray, who’s raising two teenage boys in the Cleveland area, it’s about taking advantage of the “teachable moments” the season offers, while also continuing the conversation year-round.

Recently, I asked my 17-year-old to ponder this question: “What do you want to do with your life that isn’t about sports, careers or places you’d like to visit.” When I asked for his answer a week later, he said: “Dad, I want to be someone who makes a difference in the lives of many people.” You won’t be surprised to hear that his answer made me proud. He may not be destined to be the next Brad Pitt with millions to donate to charity. But what I care about is his heart – and the hope he’s expressed for the impact he can make – not how famous he may or may not be 20 years from now. Since he made that statement, I’ve reminded him that he owns it. That gives us opportunities to discuss what he can do to live it out in the next year, 10 years, and throughout his life.

As parents, my wife and I try to model the importance of giving back, especially during the holidays. Most years, we put money in envelopes and spend an afternoon handing them out to strangers we meet shopping in lessadvantaged communities. Years ago, we’d leave money with holiday messages in pay-phone coin returns. We don’t look for acknowledgement. We know for many people the world is a tough place. We just want to help where we can. I’m encouraged by my son’s dreams, but pleased to say I’m not that surprised. Years ago, he told us he wanted to be wealthy so he could have a big house with no doors. He wanted people to have a place to go if they needed one. He was just a child, with perhaps a childish view of how the world works, but as he grows into a man, I’m gratified to see his desire to make a difference in the lives of others is still strong.



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